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On the Days I Have to Battle Negative Self-Talk

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Today, I’m in charge. Today, everything makes sense. Today, there is clarity.

I know this deserves celebration because not every day is like this for me. Daily, I battle this fiery electricity that vibrates inside me. Swirling, spinning, spiraling out of control. Most days I feel as if my life is a highway and I’m swerving back and forth across the line just trying to get my tires to grip the road, to grip reality. Or as if I had built my life out of a stack of Legos and something came in and smashed them to the ground. I keep picking up every piece, looking at it, and not recognizing it — trying to figure out how the pieces fit back together. Most days I’ll feel the weight of my anxiety hit me with all of its force and drag me to the ground trying to run off with my peace of mind, but not today.

Today, I battle unwanted negative thoughts relentlessly. Today, I’m my own superhero. Today, I’m unstoppable.

I feel a sense of unease grip my shoulder – trying to whisper to me doom, but instead of turning to it and letting its darkness embrace me, I fight back. I hit it with my left. I’m the boss. I’m in charge. Swing with my right. I run this life. I make my decisions. And finally, I hit it with an uppercut. I am strong.

As my anxiety takes the blow, it sinks back, slowly releasing its grip from my shoulder. It thinks, “What do you mean I’m not in charge? What do you mean I can’t pick away at you today? Why can’t I make you feel uncomfortable in your own head?” It looks at me once more – I’m breathing heavily. I’ve fought hard, but I’m victorious. I’ve battled darkness, and it scurries off. I’m the hero I needed today.

In our daily chaos, who we truly are gets a little hazy – it’s not clear. We forget. We forget our capabilities. We forget our own strength. We forget that mental illness doesn’t make us weak, even though sometimes we feel like it does. We forget we can be in charge of our day. We forget that anxiety doesn’t have to rule us – we rule us.

So on days like today where I have battled my anxiety head on, how do I celebrate? I remind myself who I am, who I can be and what I’m capable of. I live the day full-heartedly and joyfully. Enjoying my surroundings and being grateful for the many blessings I have. I may not get the opportunity to feel like this every day, but do not think for a second I will ever stop fighting for myself.

Today, I’m in charge. Today, everything makes sense. Today, there is clarity.
And there will be a Tomorrow.

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Thinkstock photo by Transfuchsian

Originally published: January 27, 2017
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