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Why I No Longer Feel Alone In My Battle With Anxiety

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I woke up this morning in a sweat. My heart was racing as I jolted awake from some sort of nightmare. I immediately started thinking about things that make me nervous about the future and how the heck I’m going to get through it all. My stomach dropped deep down into my abdomen as my heart leapt straight through my chest. Apparently at times, you can’t even escape anxiety in your dreams.

Anxiety is a cousin of depression. They’re close in the sense they can both be based on fear and uncertainty, but they give two very different feelings.

Depression is hollow and dark. It feels like a rainy day in a swamp with fog as far as the eye can see. You know it’s a wide open space but you can’t muster up the energy to move around freely. You are curled up in a ball, only vaguely noticing there is a world around you.

I think that with depression, the person is often in the middle of the fog and can really only see a few feet around them. They can’t tell there is light and beauty outside the dark swamp. In fact, there are still beautiful flowers and little glimmers of light while you are there, but they can be difficult to see if you give up and stay curled in your little ball.

Rays of light come in the form of good friends, puppies, working out and helping others. There is always a reason to keep fighting but everyone understands if you need to take a break for a while. It is exhausting when you feel you’re alone and don’t know how to pull yourself up off the ground.

Anxiety paints a different picture. Instead of being a more introverted feeling, anxiety is the craziest extrovert you’ve ever seen. It is wild and red, hot to the touch. Anxiety makes you feel claustrophobic in your own body and creates a strong desire to run away from yourself. With depression, you would rather be able to get back in to your own body and figure out how to find yourself again. Anxiety makes you want to forget everything there is about you and run away to create a new life. 

You want to turn your brain off to stop thinking about anything and everything and find a way to sleep again, but you can’t take a vacation from your thoughts. Both depression and anxiety can create a pit in your stomach but they’ve often settled there for entirely different reasons.

I have tiptoed along the line of depression sometimes but I think having some down days is part of the human experience. Anxiety is a much more familiar feeling I let sneak into my heart. It starts by catching the door with its foot, then shoves its way in, guns blazing.

“You’re not good enough.”

“You won’t be able to handle the future.”

“You can’t do that one thing.”

These are all lies anxiety screams as loudly as it can.

It makes up elaborate and unlikely stories of what your future is going to look like, but speaks about them with confidence and as truth. It’s a lot easier said than done to choose not to believe the lies. A simple, “Just don’t worry about it” or “Calm down” won’t ease an anxious person’s heart. It is possible to find peace but it takes a lot of swallowing your own pride, accepting help from others and being gentle with yourself.

Anxiety and depression are both so prevalent in today’s world. I don’t know if the age of social media has caused a rise in mental health issues or we’re just more open about them now. I think we underestimate how not alone we are in the world and how similar our feelings are to one another.

Talking about anxiety makes me anxious. I still think people are quick to judge, label and make assumptions about people they don’t know. Despite genuinely believing most people have a good headspace about talking about mental health, I know there is still ignorance and confusion in this space of the world. I know therapy is still stigmatized and people don’t always love and support things they don’t understand.

So many people you would never guess have a mental illness are fighting difficult battles by themselves. Sometimes the most beautiful, smiley rays of sunshine have a darkness that is clouding their heart — and I am so thankful celebrities and people in the limelight who have platforms are speaking up about their struggles.

Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds, Mindy Kaling and Stephen Colbert are all people who live to make others laugh, but struggle with anxiety. Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, Ellen DeGeneres and Sarah Silverman have all been very open about dealing with depression. It isn’t just actors and comedians who struggle with mental health, though. There is a long list of other high-profile people, ranging from athletes to astronauts, who are also affected by depression or anxiety. Even Abraham Lincoln is thought to have had severe depression and anxiety; they just didn’t have a word for it then.

My purpose in writing this is because I think it’s so important we realize we are never alone in our thoughts or feelings. People need to be taught from a young age it’s fine for everything to not be OK sometimes. People should also realize we all have battles we’re fighting and that we can share our struggles with our loved ones. And most of all, it’s important to be kind to everyone we meet.

I am not “Instafamous” so I do not have a large group of followers, or a particularly captivating life to share about. But I want to open my heart up to the people who do read this in hopes it can make someone feel less alone. I see you and care about you. We need you here and you are important. Please don’t ever forget that.

 Follow this journey at Krista Lauren’s blog.

Getty Images: agsandrew

Originally published: October 11, 2019
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