What It's Like to Hear 'Everything Happens for a Reason' as a Trauma Survivor

As I sat in an oversized green suede chair, I told you about that party and the years that followed.

I spat it out in fragments because I thought that once you knew, everything would be different.

I yelled parts at you because I was mad at myself for believing other people’s lies.

I sobbed because I knew it wasn’t my fault but I still felt it could have been.

If only I could have done something different.

If only I was smarter.

If only I was stronger.

If only I was more experienced.

If only I didn’t feel so much.

If only…

If only…

If only…

Once I gave you everything, whispered like a confession. Once I got through the assault, the self-loathing, the suicide attempt, the self-destructive behavior… Once I got through all of that, you told me: “Everything happens for a reason.”

I bit my tongue until I tasted blood because I had heard that before. I heard it right before a monster didn’t listen when I cried and begged for it to stop. I heard it after I confessed to binge-eating. I heard it after I finally admitted, out loud, that I didn’t want to exist anymore.

I said it every night before I chugged alcohol. Followed closely by: “Life never gives you more than you can handle.”

So before you say, “everything happens for a reason,” let me ask you these questions:

What did I do that resulted in me questioning everything, questioning my worth as a human being? I still can’t begin to comprehend a reason behind a violation of your body.

Is the reason behind me being bullied growing up that I now try to make everyone feel valuable?

What’s the reason I started loathing myself for letting others dictate the way I saw myself?

What’s the reason behind losing my faith and my trust in humanity?

Why couldn’t my brain fully process something as small as a flat tire?

Why did I have an anxiety attack in the middle of a grocery store parking lot?

What’s the reason behind my anxiety?

What’s the reason I’m waging a war with depression?

What’s the reason that all of the things that have been more than I could handle happened?

I don’t think you have a reason.

So instead of saying “everything happens for a reason,” say things like…

“I’m sorry you had to go through this. While I can’t understand how you’re feeling, know that I will do my best to empathize with you.”

“I will do my best to listen without judgment.”

“I will do my best to see you.”

“I love your strength.”