I Should Have Been Taking Finals Today

Yesterday I got home with organized plans on how to study, ready to take on the world. I decided to wait until my mom got home (around 4:30) to actually begin my process. But by then, I had lost all motivation and was completely unable to accomplish anything. I wanted to study; in my mind I could see all my notes laid out and me solving practice problems, but in reality I just couldn’t. “Study for 15 minutes,” my mom would beg. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t,” was my only reply. Around 5 we went to go look at a new apartment for my older sister, a nice break from the stress of not studying. It got so much worse when we arrived back home. I began to cry about not studying.

Earlier that day my teacher, in an effort to convince us to study, had used a favorite scare tactic: “If you haven’t started studying this test will be really hard and the results are permanent and assessments are 60 percent of your class grade.” In my head this became a lecture on not getting into college and failing everything. Needless to say, scare tactics don’t work so well for me.

Anyway, I sat at the table crying about needing to studying, but not studying. I calmed down a little and enjoyed dinner, and then it got worse. As it got later I began to be upset that I hadn’t studied earlier. I ended up sitting in the corner of my kitchen (it felt safe) crying hysterically for multiple hours. I was embarrassed, scared, upset, and exhausted. Being terrified is beyond tiring. Eventually I decided I wouldn’t take the test and sat with my mom and sister, still upset.

I went to bed early, trying to least get the sleep I needed, but when I woke up this morning I didn’t really feel any better. I knew I was too exhausted and worn out to go to school; I was absolutely not faking being sick.

So, right now, my classmates are taking their tests, and I’m lying in bed. I have friends who get three hours of sleep and are fine. I usually miss about 15 days a year from being sick. It’s sucks, and I wish I could go to school, but some days the world feels against me, and I can’t.

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