What Happens When I 'Swipe Right' as Someone With Anxiety

I am really bad at the whole dating thing, which probably comes as no surprise to those who know me. I have the flirting skills of a llama.

I recently got out of a whole messy thing. “Thing” is the best word to describe it. My whole secret situation with this person was apparently not so secret, as I was told after that loads of people knew.

So after a few months, I decided to join Tinder, like everyone else does because no one actually meets anyone in social situations anymore. You just pick up your phone and swipe left or right. This is where my anxiety kicks in. I get a match with someone and then I go into total panic mode.

Oh fuck, does this mean I actually have to talk to them? is usually the first thing that pops into my mind. Of course then a message pops up that’s usually “Hey.”

About this time, my brain goes Fuuuuckkk! Why the fuck did you message me? Do I message back? Oh fuck! What the fuck do I do? About then, I close the app and pretend it didn’t happen and then start thinking, What if I don’t reply and they’re already fed up with women and messaged me as a last hope and then if I don’t reply I’ll be another woman to reject them and they go on a killing spree. “Normal” people think like this… right?

I have tried to talk to people on Tinder, but I just find that my brain builds up all these scenarios that usually end up with me getting murdered, so I just stop talking to people because I get freaked out. I also get panicked when several people message me at once. I get overwhelmed and just stop talking because I can’t handle it.

I’m not a total lost cause, I did actually meet up with someone off Tinder a few weeks back. The buildup to it terrified me, though. I remember when I was walking down the street to the place I was going to meet him, my anxiety was so bad that I felt physically ill. I dry heaved all the way down the road, I thought I was going to puke. Which would not have been a good look.

I was a nervous wreck. I did make sure to tell him my nan lived near by. Just in case he had plans to murder me, I could run away to my nan’s house. I actually was so anxious I started to babble a bit. I blurted out some dumb shit, telling him I had Batman bed sheets and as we were talking, I let him know my uncle died a few hundred yards away from where we were and then insisted on talking about my other dead relatives. Who does that? I’m so socially awkward too, which doesn’t help when you’re trying to be normal but you act like a weirdo.

I did actually meet up with that guy again. He’s not an asshole and has never sent me a dick pic on snapchat. Makes me believe there are nice guys out there.

I have taken a break from the whole Tinder thing because I find it’s too overwhelming. I’m just not interested in anything right now. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll be in a relationship again. My brain feels “insane” and overthinks everything and comes up with 500 scenarios of me getting murdered and that’s not how “normal” people think.

My anxiety and depression do get me down when it comes to trying to get to know people. I don’t feel “good enough” for the people I do speak with. In my mind, no one needs an anxious mess with bouts of depression. I think they want “fun and outgoing” while I’m more of the stay home, watch wrestling or MMA and drink beer type. So, kind of boring.

Follow this journey on Health and Fitness by Blue.

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Thinkstock photo via kieferpix.