To me, being diagnosed with autism (originally Asperger’s) was the best thing in the world. If I could have had the diagnosis sooner, like around the age of 7 when my learning disabilities began to affect me, that would have been better. But since I cannot change that, the time the diagnosis did happen was at the right time in my life.
I was 18 years old and had just graduated high school. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals during my senior year of high school because I didn’t want to be alive anymore. If I didn’t give myself a chance and ask to go into a hospital, I would have never found out why I am the way I am, and that is because I am autistic.
I look back at when I was contemplating suicide because I hated who I was and could never understand myself. I look back at my home life where I hated to be. What did I have? I felt like I had nothing I wanted to live for. But I knew I was born to help others, and I knew there had to be a reason I am who I was all my life. After two psychiatrists, I finally found one who on day two said, “You are on the autism spectrum.” My mom is a special education teacher and has had many boys in her class with Asperger’s but no girls. That night I looked up: Female Characteristics With Asperger’s Syndrome. The next morning my mom woke up at her regular time of 6 a.m. and I was up, wired, and wide awake ready to tell her awesome news. I showed her the paper of the characteristics. I screamed and jumped with excitement. This is me! This is who I am! This is why I do what I do and have no explanations!
My mom looked it over and understood I just found myself. From that day forward, I learned about myself and learned to understand aspects of myself and everything else. I studied body language, eye contact in the mirror, and learned more about myself. I needed to know and understand myself more to be confident in who I am as a person. I didn’t want to guess anymore. That year was one of the hardest and best years of my life. I had to fight the urge to want to die, had to stop self-harming, had to start lowering medications and had to figure myself out.
Without answers to my questions, I would not be where I am today: alive, confident and happy. My autism diagnosis is something I will always be proud to talk, advocate and educate others about. I am no longer afraid to talk about my past because it led to my future and where I stand today. Without understanding myself, I would have never understood why I am the way I am around large groups of people. I would have never seen the signs before a meltdown occurs. I would never keep ear buds with filters in case something is too loud for me to handle. I feel I wouldn’t have found someone I am in love with and who is in love with me without me understanding myself.
I am autistic, and I am proud to be who I am.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
Image via Thinkstock Images
Cat Contillo is a Queer Autistic with a creative soul. Cat loves to write poetry, paint, learn, speak and write about digital accessibility and neurodiversity. Cat wants to help as many people as they can. Cat speaks on diversity, equity, inclusion, belonging and accessibility.
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