Why I Was Messy as Someone on the Autism Spectrum

We’ve all heard it at some point. We’re told to go clean up our rooms. Maybe we made an attempt, but it was never quite up to standards. A little bit later, someone walks in and yells, “Look at the mess in here!”

Being on the autism spectrum doesn’t excuse me from the responsibility of cleaning. I know it’s still important, not just to follow the household rules as a child, but for health and safety reasons throughout my life. But as I grew older, I struggled more and more to take on the responsibility of keeping a clean living space. I wanted to clean. There is no question about that. I couldn’t stand living in a heap of junk around me. It was certainly unhealthy and unsafe. And the older I got, the more embarrassing the mess became for me.

However, I am developmentally delayed, and that makes some tasks more challenging for me. What many typical people can do at the age of, say, 21, I couldn’t do until just recently at the age of 29.

My inability to clean wasn’t an issue of learning what to clean, or really even how to do it. I knew I needed to pick up trash, sort through loose papers and make room so I could find places to put everything. But there was this connection missing in my brain. I couldn’t process what I was trying to do fast enough to make any progress. I’d pick up an item and my mind would just go blank, attempting to process the answers to all the important questions:

What was this item? Am I getting rid of it or keeping it? If I’m keeping it, where does it belong? Is there enough space for where I’ve chosen to store it? If not, can I make space for it? Is it a practical place to access that item when I need to? Eventually I’d just have to put the item back where it was in the heap of a mess. I’d be mentally exhausted and overwhelmed knowing it was only one of hundreds of items to go through.

One evening I was attempting to clean again. I picked up an item and something just seemed to click in my brain! I knew exactly what to do with it. I moved on to the next one, and the same thing happened! I kept going until I realized I needed to go to bed. Then the next morning I was able to continue the success! Something in my brain was definitely different.

I finally found a way to explain the new ability to my family and friends. Before, it was as if people were telling me I needed to sort this huge bucket of crayons by color, but I could only see in black and white. I knew I needed to do it, but it was literally impossible for me to do so on my own. And even with help, the whole task was daunting. Then I could suddenly see in color! I could get through the entire bucket of crayons with ease!

The fact that I’ve finally developed this connection in my brain is really exciting, and it’s also a huge relief. I’m relieved that I can live in a safe and healthy environment without ever having to be judged again for having a messy space. It’s also exciting to think that perhaps I will develop even more useful connections in my brain in the future I guess I just have to be patient while I wait for them to form.

I hope others can be patient with me too.