Embracing Your Uniqueness as a Parent of a Child on the Autism Spectrum

Growing up, I often felt scrutinized.  I wanted to be loved by all, and feared being the butt of a joke or snubbed for my perceived ineptness.  All around me, I witnessed others valuing money and looks while kindness and inclusiveness were nonexistent.

My own personal nature never meshed with this culture.  My intense craving for connections with others led me to often be taken advantage of. I now feel my super sensitivity is a superpower, but as a young person surrounded by sharks, I was easy bait. Sometimes I was bait to join in on a good time, and other times I was bait because I was easily brought to tears.

Surviving childhood through adolescence was a major struggle as someone who had undiagnosed depression and anxiety.  I have a million memories of times that I felt painfully embarrassed, so much so that I wanted to die.  What kept me going was always the hope that what was happening now was not permanent.  I somehow knew that if I just hung on, good times were on the horizon.

I always dreamed of creating my own family and giving them all the love and attention they desired.  I had no idea that this love would lead me to address my painful struggle with vanity.  When my boys were born, I felt a strong instinct to prioritize their needs over the demands of family and friends, even if that put our relationships at odds.  I had to emotionally survive the backlash of setting boundaries that I never set before, which meant risking my desire to be loved by everyone.  This was a real challenge because the people in my life were not thrilled about my new discovery of the word no. The experts that talk about boundaries often do not discuss how hurtful it can be when the people in your life do not respect your no.

So when my kids turned out to not follow typical developmental expectations, I had to further face not only boundary drama, but also my own vanity.  No, my child was not talking yet. No, my child won’t eat vegetables, etc. As a consequence, I quickly realized I was not concerned about my own vanity when it came to helping my kids develop to the best of their abilities.

Not everyone feels this way.  I think many parents want to protect their kids and themselves from the hurtful eyes of the community.  It is natural to want to protect your child from pain, and to protect yourselves, but when we do this, we do not give our kids the opportunity to learn and grow.  I’m not saying to completely land the helicopter, but instead, when they screw up,  be there to help them process through it.  That is really what I believe I was missing as a kid.  My parents loved me, no doubt, but they were not equipped emotionally to help me process the heavy emotions I carried as a highly sensitive human.

As an adult who now enjoys and embraces my own uniqueness and the variety of differences that encircle my everyday life, I feel like I’ve been set free from a prison.  I find that I prefer the company of those who are different and I love the persona I have grown into.  I now understand that not everyone is going to love me, and if you don’t, I still wish you all the best.  My values and those I love have released me from the need for acceptance and validation from the world.  I implore you to embrace the gifts you receive from parenting a unique child and to enjoy the freedom of enjoying those that choose to be in your company.