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The Daily Fight Against My Bipolar Thoughts

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Every day my thoughts are a battlefield and the world around me shows remnant of the war. And let’s not talk about the fight to get out of bed — to be productive. I have spent hours lying in my bed trying to decide if getting up was necessary or not. Spoiler alert… it is very necessary. I am an entrepreneur and if I don’t work then I am not earning money. Unfortunately, when I am awake depression kicks in and I submit to meaningless tasks to counter the reality that I might be slipping into depression or worse.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

But this is my reality. And it’s every day of my life.

I can’t tell you how many unfinished projects I have that will generate passive and regular income for myself, but I have no desire to do so because my thoughts are a battlefield. So how do I earn my living in moments when sitting in a dimly lit room is my preferred option for the day? I force myself to do more than what my so-called thoughts and feelings tell me to do.

It’s hard, trust me. To motivate myself when it makes sense to let the hours pass by. Fortunately, my past issues with bipolar depression remind me that hunger, homelessness and being broke are no longer an option for me. I refuse to get so low in my thoughts that I can’t function. I do more than just exist by listening to inspirational music, videos that related to my issues, watch movies, talk to my friends often and connect to my spiritual hard drive. I know it seems like a lot and sometimes I do it all in a day. I do this to let myself know that living in depression means that the curse is right around the corner.

Look, I am the hardest person on myself because I know that bipolar depression is no joke, and if left unchecked it can ruin your life. I choose to no longer be a victim, but a victor. Have I lost battles? We all do at some point in time but like the old saying goes, “It’s not how many times you get knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up that counts.”

Get up every time your bipolar depression looks to knock you down. You win even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Photo by Prince Akachi on Unsplash

Originally published: October 22, 2019
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