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The Words I Tell Myself During a Bipolar Depressive Episode

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Here you are again, back to the place where you hoped you would never return.

It must be frustrating to fall back into the hole you so desperately climbed out of. You knew it was going to happen but couldn’t stop it. After all the efforts taken to make things better, from regularizing sleep to inculcating a better social life, everything is back to square one — like a powerful wave leveling a neatly built sand castle for the umpteenth time. There can be nothing in the world that drains out hope more than that. A dark bubble of despair is engulfing your heart right now. It paints the world gray and feeds loneliness to your brain even when surrounded by loved ones. The things that mattered so much earlier seem remote and the threads start snapping. The world seems like a disaster movie playing on a television situated miles away. Every bit of motivation you had in your blood just fades away in a nick of time. Even worse, you don’t know how long this will last. A day or a month? Maybe even more than a month? You never know.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

Here’s the million dollar question: What next?

Like all problems in life, there are two options: Give up or try again. Both of these options are no stranger to you. The hospital bills from when you were hospitalized for suicide attempts and the fact you are still alive are enough to vouch for your familiarity with both the options. Giving up again might seem valid because quite honestly, rebuilding everything is a Herculean task. Moreover, you’ve visualized your own death too many times to be afraid of it. And don’t judge yourself for considering this option because it is human tendency. We all consider giving up. When things get too hard too often, we stop and wonder if it is all worth it, if we should try to walk away. It is natural.

But I pray you don’t rush into this decision. You might not completely believe this right now, but there are things in life that are worth fighting for, even if they seem vague and obscure at present. This battle with neurotransmitters isn’t new. It has been happening for years — for so long that you may have even forgotten how life used to be before that. Your heart is battle-hardened. So why lay down arms now?

I understand that each time you fall back inside, the hole seems deeper than it did earlier. But it is still climbable. Breathe, tend to your wounds, rest your muscles, heal your heart and then make the climb when you are ready. Keep climbing toward light, even if it means climbing forever. Imagine yourself fighting a monster in a boxing ring. Even after getting beaten up bloody, with all your teeth knocked out, it is worth it to climb back into the ring. Even if all you can manage in return is a weak punch, it is still worth it.

I dearly hope you find it within yourself to try one more time.

One more time!

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Getty Images photo via GajendraUdaipur

Originally published: March 27, 2018
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