5 Ways My Borderline Personality Disorder Is Different Because I’m Asexual

I’m currently in the process of being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I know many people share this disorder; that’s why we’re here, after all. Something we may not share, however, is our sexuality. We may not share it in that people with BPD are a diverse group of people with different religions, skin colors, diets, genders and also sexualities. But we also don’t share it in the sense it is remarkably rare for sexuality to be brought up in discussions of BPD.

I’m aromantic and asexual (two of the As in LGBTQIA+) and that has affected my life in so many ways, both good and bad. It’s made me feel alone and unrepresented but hearing the voices of people in my community has helped me come through that. So, I want to share a few of my personal experiences of being asexual and borderline. Maybe we can keep the conversation growing!

1. It can make recognizing your symptoms more difficult.

I initially discovered borderline personality disorder by reading an article a friend shared and I was astounded by how well it fit me. One thing didn’t really seem to fit, though: All the information I read about BPD mentioned impulsive behavior, focusing on addictions and unprotected sex. I’ve never touched alcohol or drugs and I’ve never had sex. Although some people who are asexual still enjoy having sex, even though they don’t feel sexual attraction, I am not one of them. I have a positive attitude toward sex in general for other people but I am completely sex-averse myself and would never want to have sex with anyone — it’s just not how my brain works.

This was a bit of a stumbling block for me and it really stopped me from relating to a lot of the stories I was reading. It took me a long time to realize that not taking my insulin, hardly sleeping because I was binge-watching TV series and impulse buying are all also examples of harmful impulsive behavior. There are many different combinations of symptoms which can lead to a BPD diagnosis and everyone experiences those symptoms in their own way.

2. Having a “Favorite Person” is even more confusing.

One aspect of BPD which doesn’t get brought up so much is having an FP, or Favorite Person. An FP is someone you become emotionally dependent on, looking to them for a sense of identity and for external validation. The bad side of having an FP can mean losing all sense of self-worth or individual identity when you feel like they don’t care about you, and all the emptiness and despair that comes with that. The good side, though, usually means feelings of euphoria whenever you spend time with them, have their attention, get complimented by them or make them happy — so basically exactly the same as most rom-coms would say having a crush feels! I’m both asexual and aromantic so I don’t feel sexual or romantic attraction. I can still love people very deeply and loyally but in a platonic way only. In our community, we use the word squish to mean (amongst other things) a platonic crush. Someone you really want to be friends with and spend all your time talking to.

An FP can be anyone: a family member, a friend, a partner. For me, they’re usually a squish. The feeling of having an FP was so confusing for me before I realized I was AroAce because from the way songs and films always described fancying people, I thought the unbearable intensity of what I was feeling must mean I was experiencing romantic attraction. It was a huge relief to discover my identity, my community and that squishes were a thing, but it didn’t really stop things being confusing. My feelings were so much more intense and unstable than other people’s.

It came as another relief to discover that FPs were a thing but the confusion still continued. I began to doubt whether I had ever even experienced a squish or whether it was just the BPD side of my brain taking over. This balance is something I still struggle with but I try to remember the two can coexist.

3. Talking to GPs and therapists can be hard.

When trying to bring up my asexuality at the doctor’s office, I’ve been met with ignorance, blatant disbelief and tolerant condescension. Having faced those reactions in the past, I found it very difficult to breach the topic when in therapy. I’d been told by a well-meaning GP that my sexuality shouldn’t affect my mental health in any way and so I was afraid to bring it up for fear of seeming obsessed or inappropriate. I also found it incredibly difficult to mention the sensation of having an FP for fear or being told it was just a crush and I’d made my asexuality up for attention. (I see enough comments like that online without getting it from my therapist as well.) I left a whole side of my story out for fear of it not being well-received — a crucial part of my thought patterns which would surely have been illuminating if heard — and that definitely stopped my therapist from being able to do her job properly. I’ll be back in therapy soon and I’m determined that this time, my fears of not being accepted won’t stop me making progress.

4. I’m used to the misconceptions.

Another thing you hear all the time about BPD is that it is caused by childhood abuse. This is often the case but not always. In my case, I experienced a traumatic event, constant bullying and isolation in my childhood, but never abuse. In this case, my experiences of being asexual actually helped me to get my head around the fact it wasn’t a necessary requirement.

One of the most common misconceptions about the asexual community is that all people who are asexual have become that way because of sexual abuse. Some people do have this experience and are as valid and deserving of their place under the asexual umbrella as anyone else. However, for most people in the community, asexuality is simply another sexuality like being gay, bisexual or pansexual. Being part of the asexual community has taught me that things are never that simple, never black and white (although sometimes my BPD brain likes to tell me they are). The human experience is so diverse and not everyone who reaches the same point will have arrived there on the same path.

5. Loneliness is an issue.

BPD, and especially a lack of emotional permanence, can make you feel hugely isolated and lonely. I think it’s important to discuss how someone’s lifestyle choices affect this. I will never date, never have a significant other, never spend the rest of my life with someone or start a family. I choose to live this way and I am proud of my identity, but it’s a choice which inevitably leads to an increase in time spent alone. Where others might rely on a partner for support in dealing with BPD, I have a circle of friends whom I love enormously but who cannot possibly spend as much time with me as a romantic partner would.

On the other hand, it reassures me to remember that my problems are sometimes more universal than I think. I may sometimes imagine that being AroAce means everyone I care about loves someone else more than me and no-one will ever have the incentive to stay with me. However, I also know I can go online and read stories of other borderlines thinking exactly the same things, despite not being aromantic or asexual. Our brains tell us we are alone but we’re not. We can relearn. We can get through this.