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Borderline Personality Disorder and the Emptiness That Permeates My Every Thought

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

As someone with borderline personality disorder, I am no stranger to feelings of chronic emptiness. This often manifests as feeling lost or without direction.

Recently I made a list of goals for my future and put it on a piece of paper. It was for a class and it seemed like one of the easiest assignments imaginable.

But when I wrote the words on the page, I found that they didn’t mean anything. I thought perhaps that I didn’t make my goals big enough.

So I went back and made new goals. The same thing happened.

They were just words. Without conviction or hope, the goals had no chance of coming true.

I think this is when I realized that my goals weren’t the problem. It was that state of emptiness that permeates my every thought.

Emptiness makes me feel so lost. How do I make plans for the future, if I don’t have hope I can complete them? How can I move on if none of it has any meaning?

It’s so easy to get stuck in a spiral of hopelessness when those feelings of emptiness creep in.

Making long term goals is still too overwhelming for me. I think, for now, I’ll stick to making short term goals. One day at a time.

Unsplash photo via EMILE SEGUIN

Originally published: July 5, 2019
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