Why I Try to 'Cage In' My Borderline Personality Disorder in Front of My Kids

When invited out, no matter what for or with whom, I have to put on a mask. It’s exhausting and anxiety-inducing. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) makes many of us believe that our friends and family will eventually leave us. They might get tired of our constant drama, mood swings, unrelenting rage and inability to be consistent, often breaking their confidence without realizing we’re doing this.

To put it in a nutshell, we are hard work sometimes. However, we’re much harder on ourselves; we live in a world filled with fear.

The biggest challenge over this Christmas and New Year will be to maintain a steady mood. I haven’t a clue how I’m going to accomplish this mammoth task. I’ll be with my precious children, so I cannot ruin it for them by being dramatic, sad or hysterically manic. This is my usual behavior. No, I must cage it.

I don’t drink alcohol or if I do, I may just drink enough to be comfortably numb. I’ll be incapable of ruining this for anyone. I don’t drink though, and perhaps that thought is some made up belief in my mind.

“How am I going to get through this?” I ask myself, feeling the nausea of anxiety rising. It’s still six weeks away and I’m planning my “how-to” already.

My children are kind, generous and loving people. They know I suffer from BPD, yet I don’t believe I can let it out of its cage, even though it’s going to growl, perform and bang on my brain until the pain threatens to break me.

My only challenge, being one that’s akin to running a million miles and a feat I tremble with fear over, is to be “normal” for my children’s sake over this Christmas and New Year.

I’ve started practicing to perfect my mask and keep BPD caged in order to prevent him from smashing my broken brain any further. I’m praying with all I have that this act will be my grand slam.