What I Found When I Googled 'Borderline Personality Disorder' for the First Time

When I was first diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), I was freaked out. I thought to myself, That couldn’t be me. I wasn’t that person. This was just based off a description from the psychiatrist I saw during my first stay in a psychiatric ward. After leaving, I did the most natural thing to do when diagnosed with something you’ve never heard of — I Googled it.

The first thing I found was the diagnostic manual’s description of BPD. There was a lot of medical jargon I didn’t understand. So I starting going through other posts. I wish someone had warned me what I was going to find.

The second thing I found were posts on narcissism and how to retaliate against your abusive spouse who has BPD. It wasn’t just one post. There were many.

The third thing I found were places to find books for families on how to survive with a family member who had BPD. Like we’re wild animals or something.

By far the worst, was a post about how having sex with someone with BPD is wild and fun, but best done behind a dumpster so they can be left behind with the rest of the trash.

The one thing I didn’t find when I googled borderline personality disorder, was empathy.

With one of the highest suicide rates of any mental illness, you’d think there would be more compassion. I remember feeling complete shock. I felt like a monster. I wondered if everyone would be better off without me because I was hurting them so much.

So, I went and found empathy elsewhere. I found acceptance with outpatient mental health groups. My family and close friends supported me when it felt like the rest of the world was against me. I learned that compassion and empathy from myself were much more important than the uneducated opinions I found online. They didn’t understand what I was going through and they didn’t get to control how I feel.

So I choose to love myself and show empathy to those that really need it.