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The Symptom of My Borderline Personality Disorder You Can't See

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“Just forget it,” he said.

How could I simply forget the immense pain welling up in his eyes. How could I forget the pain I felt as it stabbed my heart with a knife. How could he not understand the pain he felt — as he screwed up his face and tried to hide — was the pain I felt.

“Just leave your work at the door,” they said. “It’s not your problem anymore. It’s not your burden to bear.”

How could they not understand I just can’t “switch off” my feelings? That I feel everything my clients feel. I feel their pain. I feel their sadness. I feel their joy. If something goes wrong, I take that home with me because my feelings can’t just be switched off. They often last longer than other peoples’.

Having borderline personality disorder (BPD), combined with living through the pain I have lived through my whole life, both physical and mental. It gives you a sixth sense. I feel what you feel. I recognize pain and suffering in complete strangers. And to the people I love, their pain is my pain. I feel the intensity of their pain in my soul. It tears me apart as much as my own pain does. I often sense changes in emotion before others recognize it themselves.

It’s invisible. You can’t see it, and I can’t explain what it’s like to live with it. And despite the pain it causes me, I wouldn’t change a single thing about it because it’s what makes me who I am.

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Getty Images photo via Grandfailure

Originally published: February 9, 2018
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