The Mighty Logo

5 Things My Favorite Person’s New Boyfriend Should Know About BPD

The most helpful emails in health
Browse our free newsletters

Editor's Note

If you struggle with self-harm or experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, visit this resource.


I know we don’t know each other super well yet, but that will definitely need to change. You see, we are now sharing a very important person in our lives; she’s without a doubt the most important person in my world, and will quickly become the most important person in yours because she’s just that phenomenal.

She may have already told you I am very close to her, but sometimes it’s hard to explain to someone who is unaware of my condition exactly what close looks like for us. Sure, we tell each other everything (apologies in advance for all the awkward and private things I learn about you), talk nearly every single day, and often become attached at the hip when the two of us get quality time together… but her existence is so much more than that to me.

You see, I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), and your girlfriend is more than just my best friend: she’s my favorite person (FP). I won’t lie to you and say it’s not a big deal or even that your girlfriend is always thrilled with this very exhausting job, but unfortunately, it’s not really something either of us had control over as it just happens over time. I want to be fair to both of you, though, because by dating her you are involuntarily also signing up for dealing with me. (Again, so sorry.)

So, in order to help explain this, I’m writing this for you to tell you what I really feel you should know. This won’t be nearly enough to help you understand me completely and it may not put me in the best light, but I hope you will take it in and try your hardest to understand.

1. I will talk to her… a lot.

Sometimes, she may be distracted by me and unable to give her full attention to you. Other times, you may be on a date and suddenly hear her phone buzzing non-stop with messages from me. I will honestly try to give you two the space and time you need, but there are moments where I find myself overwhelmed in fear and, for better or worse, she’s the only one who knows how to comfort me. She will work with me on boundaries, but sometimes I’ll forget or throw them out the window when I’m dark and twisty. I promise, though, she’ll make sure there’s time for both of us, and she will remind my selfish self that I have to share.

2. She may become emotional because of me.

My logic is flawed, and sometimes in my pain or rage I say things I don’t mean. My actions will sometimes become impulsive and dark: I may hurt myself or try to take my own life. She may cry or become enraged when I tell her I’ve relapsed; she may need your embrace when I end up hospitalized or in more intensive treatment again. Please help her through those moments, especially the ones I can’t.

3. I will protect her at all costs.

She may be your girlfriend, but she has more than a piece of my heart. I am fiercely loyal and extremely protective of those I most admire, and she’s my number one. I may sometimes question your motives, treat you coldly or even make threats as to what I will do if you treat her wrong. It’s not because I don’t like you; it’s because I love her so much that seeing her hurt shatters my heart and burns my soul. Just know that if you two fight or you crush her heart, I will know about it, and I will stop at nothing to walk through fire to save her. I hope someday you will feel that way about her, too.

4. She may be careful about what she tells you about me.

My illness is complicated and highly stigmatized, and she often protects me just as I protect her. She may not always have the words to tell you why she has to suddenly go to me or why it’s significant that she take my call. There may be times she doesn’t want you to think less of me, so she may leave out details about my past or why she needs to remove certain things from sight when I come over. Please know we aren’t keeping secrets, and as she starts to trust you, be willing to listen non-judgmentally and accept what she shares about me, even if it’s filled with my many flaws and some scary details.

5. Most importantly, though, please know we are on the same team, and despite how it may seem, I want us to be friends.

We both care very deeply for the same wonderful woman — the same beautiful and loving soul. I can promise I’m not going anywhere, so I hope you’ll welcome me into your world and accept me as I am. I’m a lot to take in; I’m quite intense and even obnoxious at times. I may appear dramatic; the roller coaster ride I am constantly stuck on may seem intense and complicated to understand. But, I hope you will try, because as much as I want you to be her boyfriend, I don’t want to lose my best friend. I can’t live without my favorite person.

I am looking forward to standing by as your love blossoms with this most special girl, and I hope you’ll let me stick around and maybe even start to let me into your heart a bit, too.

With love,
Your Girlfriend’s Borderline Bestie.

Photo by Aranxa Esteve on Unsplash

Originally published: January 21, 2019
Want more of The Mighty?
You can find even more stories on our Home page. There, you’ll also find thoughts and questions by our community.
Take Me Home