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How to Love a Borderline

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Why do I feel like this isn’t real
An unimportant part in a bad deal
A secret you hide from your world
A second choice, never a first

You say you want me but you shy away
From anything real, is that really OK?
I’m patient and waiting, just trying to understand
What goes on in your head, give me a hand.

My mind second-guesses everything between us.
Especially when I feel you’re hidden behind a mask.
It’s hard for me when you don’t let me in.
Instead keeping me away from showing me your within.

You only want to be with me when you want some comfort.
Within my arms, or body, or something.
I want adventures, something more than this.
Sometimes I’m bored, even if it’s bliss.

Have we hit a wall, are we moving forward?
Not stuck in this abandon, going dormant.
Maybe if you just let me know what’s in your mind.
Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m blind.

I don’t know what to do or how to feel.
Because maybe it’s just my mind on a paranoia wheel.
Anxiety is locking me to the ground.
I want to hide and never be found.

Safe in my bubble, unable to be harmed.
The thoughts die down, I start to feel calm.
Maybe I’m just not ready for this.
But I’m not ready to give up because you I would miss.

You make my world, I’d choose you every day.
You make me feel safe, make my pain go away.
It’s my thoughts I promise, I’m not doubting us.
Sometimes it’s just hard, my mind in relationships.

The above is an example of what happens to my mind as a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) after any small conflict with a partner. My mind immediately goes into a roller coaster of thoughts full of doubt, specifically self-doubt. Am I good enough? Am I too much? What could I do to be better? Why would anyone love me? Do you love me? Are you sure you love me? Most of all, I wish I wasn’t like this and I wish you could understand. It’s not that I doubt the relationship; I just doubt anyone could ever really love me, because most run away.

I want you to know that maybe I’m difficult to love, but my love is worth it. I will love more fiercely than anyone ever will, and although my incessant questions of whether you still love me may drive you “crazy,” please just answer. I understand it might be hard to reassure me of the same thing repeatedly, but it is as simple as reassuring me. It’s as simple as being open and talking to me, rather than getting angry and shutting me out.

I will help you in loving me, if you help by trying to understand me.

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Thinkstock photo via dobok

Originally published: September 13, 2017
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