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To Anyone Falling in Love With Me (and My Borderline Personality Disorder)

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To anyone falling in love with me and my borderline personality disorder (BPD):

Number one: Do not try and change who I am. I am a reckless mess. I’d do anything to just get my way. I will do anything to sabotage myself and even us. Please do not be scared of me. I will destroy myself mentally, physically, emotionally and when I am in an episode all I fucking want is for you to hold me even when I fight you back. Do not let me go. Hold me close and reassure me, make it seem like it’s us against the world and nothing will come between us.

Number two: When I am in love, I love hard. I fall hard within weeks and I make impulsive decisions. I tell you I’m in love with you the first couple of weeks and I become attached to you. Please don’t run from me, let me love you with all of my heart. You won’t regret it.

Number three: When I am in an episode, everything spirals, everything crashes at once. I do not see the world in black and white, it’s all gray — and it’s dark. And it’s so fucking scary. I live in a glass box; I am scared of what this world throws at me. I sit there and overthink and have severe battles in my mind on whether or not you love me. When I am having suicidal actions or thoughts, do not run, that’s when I need you the most. You are my rock to help me. I open up during these times. I struggle the most when I don’t feel appreciated. I go on binges and I get scared of myself. I’m terrified of the gods who put me in this position. Please do not fear me, as I fear myself.

Number four: Most days I feel lonely and like the world hates me. Please give me reassurance. I am scared you feel pity for me, and you never truly loved me. But also, take care of yourself too. Let me know you’re there for me, and set boundaries when you need to.

Number five: I am constantly polarizing my thoughts; all I do is overthink until I can’t take it anymore. I shut everyone out, and I cry for weeks on in. I split from reality, I become a ghost to myself and my body is a hollow shell.

Number six: I have this cycle, it’s when I go into a rage, I go into sadness and I go into despair. Most of the time I prefer myself like this because this is a defense mechanism. I put up my walls and go into some serious hateful sensations. I am not myself, but this is who the ghost of me is. I feel like a walking apology, I constantly just hate myself, I constantly apologize about everything.

Number seven: I am a fighter; don’t let me fool you, my trauma doesn’t define me. I am stronger than my demons.

Number eight: You are the best thing in my life. I am more grateful than you could ever know.

Number nine: Let me love you with all of my heart. We will help each other grow.

You see, being with someone with borderline personality disorder is a challenge. It will tire you out, and it will exhaust you to absolute fucking hell and gone. But, each and every one of us is one of a kind, we are all unique and beautiful just the way we are, and we all have our flaws. As someone who lives her life like this, I can tell you we are all truly beautiful, and we love you all so much for loving us through it all.

Photo by Alex Sheldon on Unsplash

Originally published: August 30, 2019
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