Just Stay: A Poem About Borderline Personality Disorder

Being a Spoken Word Artist and having borderline personality disorder (BPD) at the same time is quite difficult in terms of making and presenting a piece. Sudden shifting of moods can ruin my poems and result in abandoning what I’ve started. But living with those two characteristics somehow worked out together through the years of making. My two worlds were able to be mixed after talking to them. And with the times of hard work and controlling my emotions while writing gave me piece about what my disorder really looks like. I’ve written hundreds of poems, but this is the first one to talk about who I really am — someone with borderline personality disorder.

Without further ado, may I present to you the piece I’ve been waiting for in my time:

This is the note I wrote,

So that every time I open myself to others,

They know how they’re going to cope.

This is my trigger warning note.

Warning —

I am funny.

On the first three months we made our conversation so heavy,

That every dream we’ve shared has turned into reality.

Every word, every detail of our words is insanity.

Well that’s crazy.

Warning —

I am so hyper,

Energetic, overactive. My smiles get bigger

And wider every time we see each other.

Your curly black hair makes your character sweeter.

Well, that made me a day dreamer.

Warning —

I am too clingy.

Try to hold me and our bodies will be stuck with honey.

So sticky that we have to wash ourselves vigorously

In order to build a wall between you and me.

Well that’s also crazy.

But warning —

I am a trigger

So obsessive,

I am a star that died and became subversive.

I am a trigger

So egocentric,

I am a great believer of Ptolemy with his theory of geocentric,

I am a trigger

So toxic,

Loving me is a sign of being “idiotic.”

I am a trigger

So suicidal,

Give me a gun and wait for a burst, no denial.

I am a trigger

So violent,

Yes, you heard it right for I’m the founder of the juvenile delinquent.

I am a trigger

So unstable,

I’ll keep pushing you away without something reasonable.

I am a trigger —

I am a trigger —

Warning, I am a trigger —

Warning, I am a trigger —

Warning —

Trigger —

Warning —

Trigger —

Trigger warning —

Trigger warning —

Trigger warning —

I am a trigger warning

Do not ask me if I go to parties of if I have any goals,

Because I mastered playing Russian Roulette before playing basketball.

Do not ask me why I love being alone or why I seldom go to school,

Because the outside world doesn’t suit me and making friends isn’t that cool.

Do not ask me how can I deal with myself or how can I cope with others,

Because the answer will always be, “I don’t know, I don’t even respect the elders.”

Do not ask me —

Just don’t ask me anything,

For every word that pops out in my mouth is a trigger warning.

But there’s only one thing you need to know without asking.

Stay —

I also deserve the beauty of caring.

Stay —

Don’t be afraid of me, I’m capable of loving.

Stay —

My arms can be your home. Warm and addicting.

Stay —

I can be your knight until the last star stops shining.

Stay —

That’s all I need.

Stay —

That’s all I want.

Stay —

Don’t go away.

But please stay away if you intend not to stay.

Just stay —

Just stay.

This is the note I wrote,

So that every time I open myself to others

They know how they’re going to cope.

This is my trigger warning note.

Yes —

I leave the pages blank.

I leave the note unwritten.

Because I don’t want you to just read it.

I want you to stay,

Even though I’m unstable.

Just stay.