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What a 'Typical' Day With Borderline Personality Disorder Looks Like

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I wake up to my alarm, still tired because anxiety kept me up the night before … again. But, I’m determined to have a good day. The first thing I do is reach for my phone. No texts or notifications. Immediately I think, “My friend hates me, nobody likes me, I will be alone forever.”

I thought today was going to be a good day, but it clearly isn’t. I am now feeling alone, empty and depressed. I need my friends to reach out to me to validate they care about me and haven’t forgotten about me.

I decided to put my phone away for a few hours and read, but I can’t even focus on that because my mind is racing. My mom encourages me to call my therapist, but what good will that do? She doesn’t know how I feel.

The day goes on and I can’t find anything to do. Nothing appeals to me, and I go from activity to activity — TV, playing with the dog, baking cookies — yet I continue to feel more and more empty with every activity.

A nap seems like the best option, it will make time pass and I won’t have to feel my feelings for a few hours.

Later, I get up and decide to help my mom make dinner. For the first time all day, I smile. I feel like things could be OK. She checks her phone, so I check mine. Still no text from my best friend. The smile fades, and the tears I have been holding in all day come.

Sitting on the couch holding the dog, I let myself cry. I have held it together all day, and I am exhausted. My parents invite me to watch a movie with them after dinner, and I do, but I am in my head the whole time.

Nothing feels good right now, and it feels like this is my day every day — my mood dependent on if I hear from my best friend. It is so hard and I want it to change, yet I feel like it is out of my control.

Finally, it is time for me to take my medication and go to bed. I am hopeful I will sleep tonight, but of course, I don’t. I sit in bed with racing thoughts, gearing up to do it all over again tomorrow.

Getty image by fizkes

Originally published: February 2, 2021
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