Accepting Pain and Joy in Life With Child Loss

It is August once again. This will be August number five. It comes around so fast. It has been five years since I have touched my sweet Meggie. That sweet smile. Her beautiful face. Walking past her bedroom. Shopping and having spa days. Her smell. That sweet smell only she had. I still close my eyes and my senses are so keenly in tune to all of her. Time can never change that.

The pain is not as fresh and stabbing as it was, but it is still there. Most days I swim along and enjoy the waves. Other days it takes every part of my being not to be dragged under by the wave. The love you have for your child is one of such great magnitude. A love that prodigious, can only equal a loss just as enormous. There truly are no words to describe it.

The longer my Meggie is gone, the harder it is to accept the passage of time. Her name isn’t mentioned by others as much. For everyone else, my daughter has been gone for five years. For me it feels like yesterday. Every day is yesterday and forever all at the same time.

I take great comfort in knowing that my daughter is enjoying everlasting love in the arms of Jesus. I pray that the Lord finds me worthy enough when my time comes for the reunion I envision in my mind.

I have chosen joy over sorrow. That is what my Meggie would want. She would want us to enjoy the life we have. As hard as that can be at times. As easy as it would be to fall into the rabbit hole of grief and longing, joy and faith are the path that would make her smile.

She will always be my first hello in the morning and my last good night before I shut my eyes. The hole in my heart will always be there. Nothing but having her back in my arms will fill that hole. Until that time comes, I treasure the memories. I cherish the love we share. I revel in all the things I once had in my arms that will never be again.

As hard as it is to try and balance the sadness, emptiness, joy, faith, and all the other emotions of losing a part of your soul, I will continue to juggle the myriad of emotions. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. The amusement ride that never ends. Some days you are chugging uphill, not sure you can make it to the top. Not sure you want to make it to the top. Other days you are plummeting to the abyss of soul breaking pain.

Most days it is the even keel. The path you learn to be grateful for. The path that leads you to the daily joys of your brothers. Your sweet niece and nephew. Your sister-in-law. Your sweet Grandma Connie your buddy, and grandpa Butch. Most of all your amazing daddy. He hasn’t changed. He is still a hoot and keeps me laughing. He misses his girl so much. I have learned how to navigate this path. I know all too well one day out of the blue, the roller coaster will catapult me onto the climbing or plummeting path. I accept that. Some days it is OK to not be OK.

For all the parents on this arduous journey, you are not alone. Amidst the sorrow and pain, look for the joy. Hold on to the hope. Always remember you are not alone. There is another mother somewhere praying for peace.

I love you sweet girl. I miss you every single day! That hole in my heart will always be. It is also surrounded in a padding of love and memories. Your light will always shine brightly my darling girl. I love you to the moon and back. Forever and always.