Child Loss

11.30
An hour ago I felt so horrible for yelling the word, “enough” to my 5 year old that I felt like I was unworthy of being their mother. I felt like they’d be better off without me. I felt like a worthless piece of shit and like I was becoming my biggest fear, just like my mother. I felt like I would make them feel unloved like my brother and mother told me I made them feel. I feel like I make people feel unlovable because I’m just so fucked up. Everything I touch becomes sick with sadness, just like that Taylor swift song. But he loved me anyways. He noticed. He once again picked me up off the floor from the curled up ball of tears that I lay in and saved me again. I being ashamed of my sobbing tears that sound like the sadness of someone that died, went to shower. The shower a familiar place of safe solitude… or so I thought. It was in that shower I was reminded of my miscarriage, rewatching the dried blood wash down the drain after getting home from the hospital. And then reminded of the teenage girl that use to sit on the floor of our iron stained shower and sob about being abandoned, raped, and sexually assaulted. The lost girl who was alone, unlovable, and unworthy. It was there I felt my lowest lows, water barreling down so hard that it became numbing, feeling so alone that I then contemplated suicide too. He came to check on me just as I was reliving these memories. I was snapped back. He asked me if I was okay. I asked him to shower with me. I just needed to feel him next to me. We hugged for so long my skin became pruny and I had to make the water hotter. Nothing sexual, just pure unconditional love. His arms wrapped around me reminded me I was safe, I was loved, I was lovable and worthy. I am so grateful for him that I’m absolutely terrified of losing him, my therapist calls it catastrophic anxiety. Just like that I went from feeling so unworthy that I felt like a burden to instead feeling a purpose for continuing to fight. He reminds me to keep fighting no matter what. So I’m reminding you to keep fighting no matter what. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #ChildLoss #SexualTrauma #Suicide #Childhoodtrauma #keepfighting

I just heard some difficult news. A dear friend who I know has been struggling fighting serious health problems just told me they have a limited time left to live. It has reminded me how precious life is, how beautiful life is, how short lives can be, how fleeting our good health can be and how unfair life can be. As loved ones become ill and their health diminishes those of us close to them can feel helpless and just wish there was something we could do to lessen their pain, to alleviate their suffering, to concoct some sort of magic potion, a panacea to bring them back to good health and lengthen their lives back to that we once thought they had left.

But there is often nothing we can say that will help as much as we would like, despite our wanting to make a difference there is nothing we can do to change things and turn fate around, nothing we can offer to help alleviate their pain and suffering and nothing we can offer their family and friends to help cushion the blow.

As I heard the news of my friend’s declining health I was deeply saddened. They are young and can appear so vibrant and healthy, so strong and spirited …but I have known the truth, known their days were numbered…however I thought they had years to live, instead they just told me it is months, even weeks or days.

I just want to give them a big, deep, comforting, loving hug … but alas, life has them hours away. Life that is so fleeting for them has us separated by space that a hug can’t travel. It's just a virtual hug that I can offer. It’s a lot, but sadly I feel like it’s not enough.

I can only send my love and support through words. Yet I know this can make a difference. I know from first hand experience that thoughts and prayers can travel through a phone call, cyberspace and through intention and belief…but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. It just doesn’t seem fair. It seems like there is a void that cannot be filled.

So I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers. Those words can seem hollow and often insignificant because they are shared so often that they don’t seem to mean enough anymore… but I will think about them a lot, I will pray for them, I will send my blessings that they don’t suffer, that they are not in pain, that they can enjoy every moment left in their life, that their joy and spirit will give them strength to live their remaining life to its fullest as much as they can.

I will deeply mourn the loss of this friend, I will mourn the loss of a young life cut short, I will mourn someone I will not be able to hug… but I also know that they would want me to celebrate their life, celebrate the joy and exuberance they lived that life with, celebrate all the ways they touched others and made a difference in our lives. I will celebrate them, celebrate life … even if it can be short. I will celebrate their spirit and the memories that cannot be taken away. That part of their life is left with us all …forever!

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Disability #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Selflove #Selfcare #PTSD #COVID19 #Migraine #Headache #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #HIVAIDS #longtermsurvivor #RareDisease #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #Cancer #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope #relief #Joy #happy #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MightyMinute #mentalhealthwarrior #Grief #LossOfAParent #LossOfAChild #ChildLoss #Death #Mourning #sad #worry #Fear

#ChildLoss @ChildLoss #Grief @Grief #LostLove @LostLove #TraumatizingExperiences @TraumatizingExperiences

#MightyPets #ChildLoss #Autism #ADHD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #ChronicPain

This is my handsome dog, Mufasa! He sits next to me when he's needing some love. However, when my anxiety fires up, he knows I need some love. 💜 #MightyPets #ChildLoss #SuicideLoss #Depression #traumatic grief

I lost a baby. I was 14 when I didn’t give my first boyfriend consent. I was 10 when my cousin started repeatedly molesting me. I lost a friend to alcohol poisoning and was with him the night he died, this person would’ve been my brother in law. My mother was an alcoholic and has been verbally abusive, narcissistic, and victimizing herself my entire life. She told me she should’ve aborted me and that I’m the reason we marriage with my father didn’t work. My dad was never emotionally present, he didn’t know how to be. I practically raised myself. My ex boyfriend was controlling and verbally abusive and tore down every ounce of confidence or self esteem that I had left. I gained weight, I hated myself. I struggled with post partum depression after my son was born due to a traumatic birth. My anxiety was extreme after this. I was terrified of dropping him, I was terrified of connecting with him. I loved him but couldn’t touch him. My daughter, my sweet rainbow baby is physically delayed. She can’t walk, but she sure is making progress, we’ve been in physical therapy for the last 6 months, but it’s hard reading other parents posts about the milestones their child the same age have reached. She only ever wants me and is always fussy. Are these things supposed to make me stronger? It doesn’t feel that way. It feels like weights that constantly hold my ankles under water just enough for my nose to breathe, but I’m slowly drowning because I can’t hold them up anymore. After I lost my baby I was in a depressive psychosis and almost pulled the trigger, but I wanted to live I just didn’t know how. My husband saved me. He doesn’t deserve such a mess of a human and I’m trying so hard to not mess up my children, to not let my depression take ahold and make it so I don’t get out of bed, to not let my anxiety keep me from them having an amazing childhood and taking them places and doing things. Gosh, I’m falling apart today. So I’m trying to focus on things that help. Yesterday it was organizing and avoiding snapping at my children and honestly avoid them overstimulating me with laying all over me, instead having them help me. My five year old sure felt special helping mom. Today I’m still on the couch, but their bellies are full because I got up to feed them, brush their teeth, give them their gummy vitamins, and they’re watching their favorite movie. Looking for strength, looking for courage, trying to find that happy version of me that can still barely see above water. It’s days like today that I wish my husband would take the day off and just hold me while I cry. Until then I decided to share my story here and a share a glimpse of what I’m feeling because getting it out somehow is better than not at all. Thanks for listening/reading. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #ChildLoss #Miscarriage #SexualAssault #Surviving

Feeling sad comes and goes in waves. Today, like most days it’s about the abandonment from my parents. Its sadness of feeling unloved, unworthy, and brokenness inside of me. It’s about being stuck replaying your trauma in your head over and over again. It’s utter grief showing it’s ugly face again. Grief of the childhood you didn’t get. Grief of the relationship you still don’t have with your parents (and never will). Grief on the loss your children will feel on not having a relationship with your parents because you have to protect them. Grief on your innocence that you lost when you were sexually abused by a family member and raped by the person who “took your virginity” when you were only 14, (which took your 30s to finally realize that’s why you were always so uncomfortable with yourself because you never did give consent). Grief on the loss of your miscarriage baby that you never got to meet and still don’t have the courage to name. It’s like a broken record of trauma and grief on repeat that makes today especially hard and the sad days really, really sad. #Rape #Consent #Suicide #SexualTrauma #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #ChildLoss #Grief