Child Loss

I'm still hanging in here. The year anniversary has come but feeling 😔 😪 sad.

I'm very confused by my own brain right now.
After a rape a little more than a year ago, which ended in pregnancy and being forced to abort it by the rapist, I am now thinking about how it would be if I got pregnant again and had children.
Even in these short weeks I got really attatched to what was growing inside of me. I was absolutely torn apart and heartbroken, even though it was a product of one of the worst moments in my life.

It's a paradox, especially because I'm really struggling with PTSD after what happened.
Just want it to stop, but it doesn't. So can anyone maybe take a guess about the 'why' ?

#MentalHealth #PTSD #CheckInWithMe #ChildLoss #Grief

Today is the 7th year anniversary of my mom transitioning.

With this comes so much more...

My childhood memories are sad and painful. Barely had moments of joy. I always was tense because I had to behave all week at school. The weekend was not fun either . There were things to do on Saturday barely any fun unless with church outings. Ahhh! Sunday I had to be even more well behaved,as my mom’s child I had to be perfect. I realize mom is a narcissist. Now she is old and no longer has a magnetic strong hold on me. I married to a abusive man. Psychology abusive and verbally abusive and a hand full of times psysactly abuse me. It took a lot of time to heal. Yet I cannot talk to my therapist about my childhood trauma because she wants me to be present.

You have friends and partners that you can’t share your experiences. They quickly become overwhelmed. I call it overstimulated by the stories of your life. There’s always the rebuttal of your partner stating that it was the past. Or why you have to bring that up? Your inner child cries when witnesses similar stories in others. In a movie or show or a book. Yet no one wants to hear your story. I have to forgive,forget,move forward. Overcome,endure,survive. But never acknowledge nor cry your the victim.
But I am the victim! Why do people get mad when someone says they been victimized over others actions? There’s the saying “you allowed someone to hurt you “ I was a child! Doesn’t that count for something? No,survive,overcome and move on. Like if the scares and you’re whole character is built around the traumas affect. Not fair! When an animal gets hurt no one blames the animal. No matter how old that animal are. You have to allow at one time in your life mourn for the death of your innocent childhood. In order to heal. #Livingwithdepression #Caregivers #ChildLoss