Child Loss

Last night or should I say weeks I can't seem to stop crying. I'm so lonely and I miss my family who has made it clear that if I showed up I wouldn't be welcomed, only my mom is there for me but she's in her 80's. I never thought I'd be alone at this age, I'm not young and suffer with disabilities so I'm finding it hard to bounce back from each blow of cruelty. I feel like I'm in a boxing ring with Muhammad Ali. Everyday something else happens, last night was the first time I actually thought about ending it all. I won't do that because I know first hand the destruction it leaves behind. Plus, I have a daughter and 2 grandchildren. Mind you, she has alienated me from her life and the grandkids too. She will call every once in awhile and just when I think it's finally over (alienated me) she disappears. It's like grieving both my children, but one is still alive. I remain hopeful but guarded. But this sadness I'm feeling lately is crippling me. #SuicideLossSurvivors #Depression #ChildLoss #Grief

#Suicide #ChronicDepression #ChildLoss #Anxiety #alienated #PTSD #EmotionalNeglect

Does anyone else talk to themselves? Is it just me that finds myself telling my son Jacob who committed suicide "please honey let mommy have peace in my heart and mind, even if it is only for a little while"

To my abortion,

I still love you.
The suffocating stillness,
my breath catches in my chest.
I feel as though I’m some black hole
where good things go to die.
I did my best with what I had.
Each summer punishes me with grief.
The sweltering heat,
the blistering heartache.
The guilt that guts me like a white-bellied fish.
Cold, slippery intestines in a fisherman’s fist.
I am trying to process.
I am trying to move on.
I am trying.
It is hard to be soft
when you are both
a woman and a grave.

#Abortion #ChildLoss

I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to keep living anymore. This is not a cry for help. This is not a sympathy plea. And I don’t even have the energy to share my story anymore. It is too long and too painful and only gets worse as each year passes.
Most people that know me would be shocked if they knew I was writing this message right now. But I am truly scared. It’s been so many many many years of hell. I’m tired of hearing “you are the strongest person I know”. “You inspire me” “I don’t know how you do it” “it’s so unfair what keeps happening to you”
What I need is help to stay alive. I really want to. But every minute feels like it might be my last. I don’t know how to hold on anymore. There is nothing left in me.
I am not weak. I am not unhappy. I never get bored. I love life, people, places, nature and everything else this amazing world has to offer. I’ve had a career, volunteered, traveled the world, great experiences and haved loved every minute of it. But the pain of everything I’ve gone through from birth and all the unbelievably horrific new things that keep happening to me are finally winning. I had a sense for a long time now that something like this would eventually happen. I’ve tried so hard for it not to get to this point. I’ve asked for help even though that’s the hardest thing in the world for me to do. And nothing has worked. No one has stepped up. Nothing has happened to help me. I am no one’s responsibility. There is no one on this path with me. Many people love and enjoy being with me but then they go back to their lives. And I don’t blame them. It’s not their fault. I am alone in this hell. And it is winning. Please can someone help me and tell me how to stay alive? Thank you. #Suicide #ChildLoss #Grief #Abuse #ChronicIllness #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PTSD #Relationships

Tonight as the 12 mark hits marks the 2 month anniversary of my darling angel baby the loss the grief I feel right now can’t ever be explained the heartache can’t ever be explained. Never did I think at 21 I’d be suffering such a loss forever broken hearted over my angel. #Depression #sad #ChildLoss