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What I Didn’t Say to a Newly Bereaved Mom

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I didn’t say, “You will find a ‘new normal,’” because there’s nothing “normal” about burying your child.

I didn’t say, “You will be happy again one day,” because happiness will never be the same as before her child passed away.

I didn’t say, “At some point, you’ll move on” because I know that although we move forward, there is always a part of us that exists in a world where time came to a screeching halt.

I didn’t say, “The pain will end,” because I have learned that although those painful moments become farther apart and their duration shortens, the intensity of the pain remains constant.

I didn’t say, “You can have more children” because I know doing so will never replace the one who is gone.

I didn’t say, “With time, you will be able to put this all behind you,” because the passing of your child is never forgotten.

I didn’t say, “God needed another angel” because I believe if He did, He would have created another.

I didn’t say, “There was a reason your child died,” because I know that is not necessarily so.

I didn’t say, “Time heals all wounds,” because I know this wound is so deep that time does not have that power.

I didn’t say, “You need to see the positive,” because I know that is a ridiculous statement to make to a grieving mom.

I didn’t say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” because she didn’t lose her child as if she simply misplaced him/her somewhere.

I didn’t say, “You need to get out and enjoy life,” because I know she needs to grieve for however long it takes.

I didn’t say, “Your child would want you to be happy,” because I have no clue what her child wants.

I didn’t say, “Your child is now an angel,” because I don’t believe our children become angels.

I didn’t say, “One day you will forget the past,” because I know she will never forget her child even if she wanted to…which she won’t.

There was a time when I did say some of those things. There was a time when I was told those things and simply passed them on to another. But time does change some things.

What I did say is, “I’m sorry for your heartache. I am here for you if you want or need to talk.”

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” — Rose Kennedy

Jude’s book, “Gifts from the Ashes,” is available at Direct Textbook.

Follow this journey on Jude’s website.

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Thinkstock image by AntonioGuillem

Originally published: September 19, 2017
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