Yes, this is me when I was a little girl. I remember that day. I hated picture day at school. I had a real fear of cameras. I found that piece of yarn that very morning. I though I looked presentable when I tied it in my hair. You might notice the scratch on my chin and neck, the sores on the corners of my mouth. My abuse was very real. I didn’t trust anybody. Until 6 years ago when I met and got to know Dr. G, my neuropsychologist. And now I feel like the rug is being pulled out from underneath me. He’s decided to retire at the end of the year. I’ve told no one else. I can’t bear to. If I tell, it becomes so real. I’m terrified. I hid my secret for 55 years. Then I sustained a head injury that changed everything. I couldn’t keep my secrets any longer.
I know I’ve worked hard to get better. Anxiety, OCD, and depression have all improved. I let him hug me and I’m not afraid. (I don’t hug back. I’m not ready.) But the thought of him being permanently gone causes my OCD to go into overdrive. I will never be able to contact him again. Right now he’s on an ocean cruise, so that’s 2 weeks without therapy. I’m just scared. January is already almost over. I feel as though I’m being abandoned. Like I’m not good enough. I’m afraid.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
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#suicidesurvivor