childhoodabusesurvivor

I took this picture of my bird feeder in the backyard. Photography sure helps me when I’m down. 💙
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Yes, this is me when I was a little girl. I remember that day. I hated picture day at school. I had a real fear of cameras. I found that piece of yarn that very morning. I though I looked presentable when I tied it in my hair. You might notice the scratch on my chin and neck, the sores on the corners of my mouth. My abuse was very real. I didn’t trust anybody. Until 6 years ago when I met and got to know Dr. G, my neuropsychologist. And now I feel like the rug is being pulled out from underneath me. He’s decided to retire at the end of the year. I’ve told no one else. I can’t bear to. If I tell, it becomes so real. I’m terrified. I hid my secret for 55 years. Then I sustained a head injury that changed everything. I couldn’t keep my secrets any longer.
I know I’ve worked hard to get better. Anxiety, OCD, and depression have all improved. I let him hug me and I’m not afraid. (I don’t hug back. I’m not ready.) But the thought of him being permanently gone causes my OCD to go into overdrive. I will never be able to contact him again. Right now he’s on an ocean cruise, so that’s 2 weeks without therapy. I’m just scared. January is already almost over. I feel as though I’m being abandoned. Like I’m not good enough. I’m afraid.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I heard this woodpecker from a quarter of a mile away before I even saw it. With all the snow, it was practically silent all around. All I could hear was ice melting and the knock of the woodpecker echoing.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Six inches of snow blanketed the area last night. The mourning doves on my fence are patiently waiting their turn for seeds from my bird feeder. They remind me that sometimes Gods answer is to wait. He has not abandoned me. I won’t turn from Him.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I was thinking about this day and the importance so many put on a New Year’s resolution. You may be thinking about one now. Did you know that the second Friday of January is know as ‘Quitters Day’? That’s the average time when most people break their resolution to stop or start something.
I gently remind myself that, as long as I have breath, I can start over at any moment. I don’t have to wait for a certain date on the calendar to make changes. I’ll do that when I’m ready. And if I fall? I’ll pick myself back up and try again.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Spaghetti always hits the spot with me. I hope everyone is staying well nourished!
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I just finished this diamond art for a Mighty friend. I hope she likes it.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

This is a picture of my granddaughter. What is a memorable Christmas present you remember getting as a child? I remember wanting a doll called ‘Dusty’. She could play tennis. I was so excited to unwrap her. The doll is long gone but the memory fills my heart. I had a lot of sadness when I was a little girl, but Christmas was the one day I was not abused. Each year, that day just went by too fast.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

This morning, I was experiencing a lot of anxiety on my drive into the city for a urology appointment. With my background of abuse, I know it’s normal to feel this way. I came very close to canceling my appointment. Then I passed a sign beside the road. It asked, ‘What have you thanked God for today?’ I then realized I needed to thank Him for that urology appointment. I’m blessed to have healthcare when I need it. I’m blessed to be able to afford it when many can’t. Suddenly, my thought process changed. A peace came over me. I made it through that appointment, no problem. Later, I checked my doctor portal to see my test results. (Keep in mind, my healthcare team works together to help keep my PTSD from rearing its ugly head.) Under notes, my urologist wrote, ‘The patient is awake, alert, and in no apparent distress. The patient is oriented with proper insight to the situation. Patient exhibits a normal mood and appropriate affect to the situation.’
I am so proud of myself. I’m especially thankful for a God who understands me and my needs. He helped me focus on the flowers, not the weeds.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Once again, I thought I could handle it all on my own. Isn’t that our way, to forget the professionals, because we don’t really need them?
Last Tuesday, I had a trigger which put me right back there as a little girl again. Every day since has been a struggle. Shame had been seeping in as I held onto that trauma memory. Finally, today I turned that memory over to the professional. My therapist. I shared that memory in full detail. Suddenly, I could breathe. The shadow dissipated. I felt free. Free of that burden which got heavier and heavier as I refused to lay it down. It was my secret. Not anymore. It can’t hurt me anymore! I feel so clean.
Will I still be triggered? Maybe. Some triggers never completely fade away. But Dr. G says we can learn to manage those. I trust him. I’ll do what I need to for healing to happen.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor