childhoodabusesurvivor

I took this photo through the window leading out to my back deck. Two little hummingbirds were enjoying my petunias. I love watching them.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

The first of this week I took my yearly trip to the apple orchard for fresh jonathans. I know I’ve mentioned this in the past, but every year on 9/11 I take my pies to the local fire station to thank them for their service. I used to tell them how grateful I was they were there, even though I’d never needed them. Well, 8 years ago, that changed. I was in a severe car accident near my home. I don’t remember any of it, but those firefighters I’d been taking pies to all those years used the jaws of life to get me out of my car and they saved my life. I am forever grateful for their unselfish dedication. 🍎
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

This sign really resonated with me. It isn’t always easy to control my boundaries or my reaction or even my attitude. But that’s my goal. Are any of them tough for you? We can support each other here. No judgement.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I don’t claim to be perfect. I grew up with abuse and missed out on having someone there for me. The first 55 years of my life were very lonely. I met my therapist 7 years ago. I’m learning trust for the first time. Trust in him and trust in God. I’m growing and changing. I’m starting to matter to myself. My therapist is retiring at the end of this year. He’s already taken 3 long vacations this year, and promised he would be in his office from now until the end of December. Well, at my session yesterday, he told me he was asked to go help service members with mental health issues. For 2 weeks. In Ukraine. He said he had prayed about it and is going. Next week. I cried. Authorities have urged people to please not fly into any part of Ukraine. No area is safe. Since yesterday, I’ve been praying for him not to be able to go. That he stay where it’s safer. I’m so scared. He’s needed by many right here. I need him. God, please.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Recovering from the abuse that resulted in irrational fears, a mistrust of everyone, no self esteem or self worth, and a must to please everybody else but never myself, hasn’t been easy. C-PTSD is real. I thank God for my therapist. For the past seven years, he’s helped me rebuild who I am meant to be. He gently, but firmly, nudges me out of my comfort zone. One question he asks at almost every session (and sometimes more than once) is, ‘Do I matter?’ It’s not easy for me to answer that question with a yes. But I am trying. Saying yes means saying no when I don’t want to do something not good for me. (It’s difficult when I was forced to be a people pleaser for so many years.) Well, yesterday I said no. My spouse was leaving for a four day trip that I knew wasn’t good for me. He never asked me. He told me that I was going. I was so scared to tell him I wasn’t. But I did. He was really angry, slamming doors and stuff. He walked out this morning without a word. I’m still shaking. But I know this is what’s best for me. I’m tired of playing the same record over and over with the same results. So I’m rebuilding the me I’m meant to be. Because I matter. 🔨 🧰
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I pass by this field near my house almost daily. Today I stopped for a photo. It’s just so beautiful.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

( I first posted this weeks ago. It hurt that not one person responded.)
Just when I think I’m surfacing from my past trauma, it pulls me under again. I haven’t shared here these past several weeks because I’ve been struggling. For those of you who don’t know, I was sexually abused from age 6 to 16. Therapy has been a lifesaver.
A few weeks ago, two of my sisters revealed that the man who was having an affair with my mother, the same man who was abusing me, was actually my real father.
My therapist has been very supportive, even seeing me more frequently.
I guess I’m still in shock. So many secrets. My 3 closest cousins aren’t even my real cousins. I’m afraid to tell them. Will they still love me? I thought I was Scottish and I’m not. So many thoughts I can’t run from. Shame tries to creep in. I feel the undertow.
My God says He is a father to the fatherless. I pray that’s true.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Just when I think I’m surfacing from my past trauma, it pulls me under again. I haven’t shared much here these past several weeks because I’ve been struggling. For those of you who don’t know, I was sexually abused from age 6 to 16. Therapy has been a lifesaver. A few weeks ago, two of my sisters revealed that the man who was having an affair with my mother, the same man who was abusing me, was actually my father. My therapist has been very supportive, even seeing me more frequently. I guess I’m still in shock. So many secrets. My three closest cousins aren’t even my real cousins. I’m afraid to tell them. Will they still love me? I thought I was Scottish and I’m not. So many thoughts I can’t run from. Shame tries to creep in. My God says He is a father to the fatherless. I pray this is Truth.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

This isn’t always easy for me to do, but I’m getting better at it. What does kindness to yourself look like?
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I have battled shame most of my life. Through therapy, I’ve realized the shame wasn’t even mine to carry. Misplaced shame tricked me into thinking the abuse was my fault, that I somehow caused it or that I could have stopped it. Shame is very difficult to treat. The brain has to be retrained to dispel those lies we tell ourselves. If we say those lies long enough, they become our truth. This past week, shame has found its way into my mind again. The negative thoughts are strong. I pray it passes soon.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor