childhoodabusesurvivor

Recovering from the abuse that resulted in irrational fears, a mistrust of everyone, no self esteem or self worth, and a must to please everybody else but never myself, hasn’t been easy. C-PTSD is real. I thank God for my therapist. For the past seven years, he’s helped me rebuild who I am meant to be. He gently, but firmly, nudges me out of my comfort zone. One question he asks at almost every session (and sometimes more than once) is, ‘Do I matter?’ It’s not easy for me to answer that question with a yes. But I am trying. Saying yes means saying no when I don’t want to do something not good for me. (It’s difficult when I was forced to be a people pleaser for so many years.) Well, yesterday I said no. My spouse was leaving for a four day trip that I knew wasn’t good for me. He never asked me. He told me that I was going. I was so scared to tell him I wasn’t. But I did. He was really angry, slamming doors and stuff. He walked out this morning without a word. I’m still shaking. But I know this is what’s best for me. I’m tired of playing the same record over and over with the same results. So I’m rebuilding the me I’m meant to be. Because I matter. 🔨 🧰
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I pass by this field near my house almost daily. Today I stopped for a photo. It’s just so beautiful.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

( I first posted this weeks ago. It hurt that not one person responded.)
Just when I think I’m surfacing from my past trauma, it pulls me under again. I haven’t shared here these past several weeks because I’ve been struggling. For those of you who don’t know, I was sexually abused from age 6 to 16. Therapy has been a lifesaver.
A few weeks ago, two of my sisters revealed that the man who was having an affair with my mother, the same man who was abusing me, was actually my real father.
My therapist has been very supportive, even seeing me more frequently.
I guess I’m still in shock. So many secrets. My 3 closest cousins aren’t even my real cousins. I’m afraid to tell them. Will they still love me? I thought I was Scottish and I’m not. So many thoughts I can’t run from. Shame tries to creep in. I feel the undertow.
My God says He is a father to the fatherless. I pray that’s true.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Just when I think I’m surfacing from my past trauma, it pulls me under again. I haven’t shared much here these past several weeks because I’ve been struggling. For those of you who don’t know, I was sexually abused from age 6 to 16. Therapy has been a lifesaver. A few weeks ago, two of my sisters revealed that the man who was having an affair with my mother, the same man who was abusing me, was actually my father. My therapist has been very supportive, even seeing me more frequently. I guess I’m still in shock. So many secrets. My three closest cousins aren’t even my real cousins. I’m afraid to tell them. Will they still love me? I thought I was Scottish and I’m not. So many thoughts I can’t run from. Shame tries to creep in. My God says He is a father to the fatherless. I pray this is Truth.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

This isn’t always easy for me to do, but I’m getting better at it. What does kindness to yourself look like?
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I have battled shame most of my life. Through therapy, I’ve realized the shame wasn’t even mine to carry. Misplaced shame tricked me into thinking the abuse was my fault, that I somehow caused it or that I could have stopped it. Shame is very difficult to treat. The brain has to be retrained to dispel those lies we tell ourselves. If we say those lies long enough, they become our truth. This past week, shame has found its way into my mind again. The negative thoughts are strong. I pray it passes soon.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I bought myself new windchimes. They have sea turtles on them and make a mellow sound. The past 6 days have been a struggle. I’m trying to keep moving forward in my healing. It’s not always easy. I sit on the deck under the fan and watch the birds on the feeders. Simple pleasures.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

Growing up, I always saw myself as weak because I didn’t fight back. I let the abuse happen for over 10 years. I cried and stayed silent. Then I married and someone else was in control of me. I’ve been in therapy for 7 years now. One of the many things I’ve learned is that I was strong during all of the abuse. I endured. Did what I had to to survive. I don’t believe the opposite of strength is weakness. I was weak because I was smaller, younger. I think the opposite of strength is giving up. And I won’t do that. At least not today. Another thing I’ve learned is that I deserve to be treated with respect. To be loved. To shine. So do you.
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

I just finished this one. I’ll frame it in a gray metal frame when it dries. It’s darker than my usual ones I do. Life has thrown me a curve lately. God bless!🫶🏻
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor

This diamond art turned out nicely, I think. I love the purple shades. 💜
#childhoodabusesurvivor
#christian
#cptsd
#gad
#i’mhealing
#incestsurvivor
#majordepressivedisorder
#mentalabuse
#ocd
#rapesurvivors
#selfharmrecovery
#suicidesurvivor