Allowing Myself to Have Moments of Feeling Like Chronic Pain Is Too Much
Sometimes I get so tired of feeling horrible. I always have multiple things going wrong with my body at once. When one improves, another one steps up to the plate.
It’s defeating. Overwhelming. Exhausting. Sometimes I want to start screaming, “It’s so unfair! Why me? What have I done to deserve this?!”
And then, in a weak, timid, broken voice, whisper, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can’t. I just can’t.”
Most people in my life don’t see or know about these moments I have. I’m pretty optimistic, in general, so they usually don’t last for very long.
But they happen. Of course they do. I’m not some perfect being who can handle all things, all the time.
It’s hard. Chronic illness and chronic pain are hard. Sometimes it’s just too much to take.
Pain doesn’t only hurt physically. The emotional toil it puts on a person is significant. Imagine the last time you had a really bad stomach flu. Did you feel like smiling? Did life feel fantastic and full of opportunities in those moments when you were huddling over a bucket? Of course not.
Prolonged pain, that is, every single day for year upon year upon year, is like having that stomach flu every single day and knowing it will never go away. But, with chronic pain and illness, you start to somehow manage to have moments of joy. To smile and live as best you can.
So, I allow myself to be grumpy and sad and upset periodically, because I’m not going to deny that natural response. I need it, sometimes. I need to be upset about it, sometimes.
And it’s pretty impressive, as far as I’m concerned, that I’m happy and living my life to its fullest the rest of the time in between.
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Lisa Prins is a binge hobbiest who is constantly throwing herself into many different projects. When she is not well enough to do one, she will find another. Music is her main love. She is a classically trained pianist, vocalist, songwriter, composer and ukulele player. She also enjoys writing, drawing, painting, crocheting, pixel bead art, photography, jewelry making, sewing, playing video games, robot building, and a number of other hobbies. Love, compassion, friendship and understanding are most important to her. They are what gives meaning to her life. Lisa was born with a congenital kidney disease called renal tubular acidosis. This combined with asthma, chronic infections, idiopathic angioedema and anaphylaxis have shaped her into a person who is thrilled to experience every bit of life and love, every sunset and every little joy that life has to offer. She lives with her incredible partner, who is, and has been, her love, her best friend, and, at times, her caregiver. She decided to start contributing her writing in the hopes she can help others know they aren’t alone, and help those who aren’t chronically ill better understand the people around them who are.
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