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The Constant Fight Between My Body and Mind With Chronic Illness

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It’s times like these that I’m unsure how I’m supposed to carry on and keep fighting that fight I know oh too well. I say this, not because I don’t want to continue that fight, but because I don’t know how much longer my body is going to allow me to keep fighting. It’s scary, living in a body that fails you every single freaking day. Inside, somehow, I really don’t know how, is a happy soul, a soul that has far from shattered. I remain happy even in the worst of times, times that I have every right to be a complete mess, yet I don’t allow that of myself. Not because I don’t want to break, because I break all the time, and while that used to be a fear of mine, that fear no longer remains. I more just feel that it’s a complete and utter waste of time and energy to wish for the most unrealistic thing – to be healthy.

I mean, that’s practically asking for a whole new body – it’s like asking to trade in your straight black hair for red curly hair, it can’t be done. Sure, you can go get a perm and a bottle of red hair dye, but at the end of the day those straight black roots will grow right back in. Unfortunately, there is no store or salon I can go into to “exchange” my defective body for a new one, and there aren’t quick temporary fixes that can provide me with even a glimpse of relief.

My life is a life I have truly accepted and learned to love, my ability to handle my struggles with such grace is a pretty amazing thing. But, the amount of pain and fighting that my body has no choice but to go through every day is rather disgusting and upsetting. I think this is where I struggle. It’s not that I feel bad for myself, as I truly believe my life has taught me some rather humbling lessons, but it’s almost as if I feel bad for my body.

I feel as if there is this disconnect between my body and soul. My body and soul are in a constant fight with each other and I’m not going to lie, it is the worst feeling for my being as a whole to be the host of it. To have that conflict living not only on your surface but deep down inside of you will really wear you out and take a toll on you. I must learn to cope with this disconnect, to cope with the dreams and desires of the young, free soul that I am while not feeling discouraged and let down by the sad excuse of a body that I live in. I am hopeful that with time and learning this balance will come peace and serenity, and I therefore will work tirelessly to master it. No human should ever need to endure this fight, but keeping my mental health in check will sure as hell help me endure it.

Originally published: April 2, 2018
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