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By the Way, I'm Sick... Do I Still Have the Job?

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There comes a point in time where you have to come to terms with the fact that you’re sick. I have ignored it for so long and have tried to hide it as much as I can, but it isn’t something I can hide any longer. This is me, and I need to accept that.

I had a job interview today for a position where I have the opportunity to sit during the entire shift. I know this may sound lame to you, but it sounds like heaven to me. I have grown so tired of explaining myself time and time again to the managers at my current job. The last thing we spoonies like to do is repeat our story over and over to people whose reactions make you feel like you just threw a pity party for yourself.

Plenty of times my manager has made me feel like he is going to make it a priority to keep the management team informed on my condition, but here we are 4 new managers later and they have no clue. It frustrates me that I have to explain to them why I can’t fully complete the task they ask of me because it is too physically altering. The look on their face is priceless when it is a task that looks like it takes little to no effort like restocking the coke refrigerator or something. It seems like I am just making excuses but I’m not, I physically can not handle it. I’ll do my best to do as much as I can with the remaining spoons that I have, but odds are I’m down to my last one and I have no more energy to run on. Standing on my feet has been another thing I have come to realize that wears me out. Seriously? I can’t even do something as simple as standing? Well guess what, standing takes spoons too, you guys. Then they expect me to socialize? Yeah, right.

I wish people would lower their expectations of me sometimes. I know that sounds kind of sad, but it would help me because I wouldn’t feel like I have this standard to live up to. I am a hard worker and I won’t tell you the pain that I am in, but when I go home I have to take a warm bath to soak my joints, take a nap, do my wifely duties, and then wake up and do it all over again. I am doing the best I can, so please don’t make me feel like I am lazy or a complainer.

Working is so hard to do when you have a chronic illness.

Being able to go to my interview today and tell them about my illness up front was a bigger accomplishment for me than you know. As those words came out of my mouth, my heart was changing and that meant that I have finally accepted myself. It’s OK to be scared about this, but it’s also OK to tell them who you really are. It’s not worth keeping to yourself and then suffering in the long run. If they don’t hire you because of your illness, then fine, it just wasn’t meant to be. But if they do, you will feel the biggest weight off of your chest because these people are accepting you for you, the mighty chronic illness warrior that you are, flaws and all.

Originally published: August 2, 2016
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