Falling Peacefully and Rising With Grace When Your Health Goes Downhill

So, I’m sitting here, on the edge of my military-precision hospital bed sheets, going into my official third day as an inmate, gazing out of the window into the courtyard and the glass-walled corridors opposite my four-patient bay. Ed Sheeran serenading through my earphones, I feel like I should be in some sad but cute movie aimed at teenage girls.

This weekend has been the worst. Friday morning, I was taken ill in my doctor’s surgery’s waiting room. I had quite a few new experiences on Friday, my first time in resuscitation, my first time in an adult ward – oh, and my favorite of the lot – rectal diazepam, twice… My boyfriend’s motorbike was stolen by joyriders on Friday night and found on Saturday, dumped in the local woods, battered but repairable – thank goodness. More seizures, more seizures, skip ahead, skip ahead… I’m settling in for my third night with three roommates, all more than half a century older than me, uncertain of what tomorrow brings. I had been doing so well lately and suddenly my life as I know it has come crashing down around me. I know this feeling, it’s not my first rodeo, but it certainly is my worst. And somehow, this time, something feels different.

 

This weekend a lot of my old friends from school are out enjoying the bank holiday weekend. My sun, alcohol and adventure have been replaced with bad cups of tea, medication and four hourly observations. But strangely enough, it doesn’t make me sad or angry or any of the things you would think it would. I feel scared, more than I have before. But that is completely natural considering the circumstances. But more than anything, I feel peaceful.

I feel at peace with being scared. I feel at peace with the fact that I have no idea what will happen in the next hour, let alone day. I feel at peace with the fact that we don’t know what we’re dealing with or how to deal with it. I feel at peace with nobody knowing what to say to me or if they can say things are going to be OK. I feel at peace with the fact that I’ve fallen a little from my wobbly perch.

I know this is just a blip, even if it is a bit bigger than usual. I know I will bounce back from this, stronger than before. I know I’ll have to limit myself for a while and I’ll probably be quite emotional about that at times. I know I have some amazing support, not only from my family, friends and boyfriend, but from people online whom I’ve never even met, people who may even be reading this right now. I know time will heal my wounds and I will start to live again. I know everything will take time – it always does. I know the drill.

But more than anything, I know I’ve fallen peacefully and I will rise with grace, and everything else will just fall into place. And although I know this probably won’t be the last time I’m in this situation, I know life tests us and we’ll all get through this, one way or another. All I hope is that my falls in the future continue to be peaceful and I’m always able to rise from them with grace.

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Thinkstock photo via so_illustrator.