The Mighty Logo

The Joy I Found in Switching Gears This School Year Because of My Chronic Illness

The most helpful emails in health
Browse our free newsletters

Fall has always been my favorite. A big part of that, I think is I am one of those weirdos who loves back-to-school time. As a school psychologist, I even chose a career path that would allow me to go “back to school” for the rest of my life. I can think of so many logical and well thought through reasons I chose school psychology, but I can’t help but wonder how much of it had to do with my love for the excitement that comes with this time of year. I have always been enamored with the ritual of choosing new supplies and new clothing, organizing them and preparing myself for a fresh start.

While I don’t think I’ll lose my affinity for a brand new pen or a pristine notebook anytime soon, it feels wrong to go without saying that this year is different. This is the first year since starting nursery school at age 2 that I will not “go back to school.” After graduating high school, I moved immediately to college, and then on to grad school after that without taking so much as a gap year. Again, as a newly wed, I sprung directly into the back-to-school season of my internship. After that, I worked nearly two years in my profession of choice before admitting with much sorrow, but also hope, that I could no longer meet the demands of the position.

This fall, I am working in a job I love (albeit part-time). I am grateful this flexible job allows me to still use my unique skill set and training as a caregiver and behavior consultant for a family with four beautiful children, two of whom are on the autism spectrum. I will admit I am sad that I am not returning to work with my colleagues, but I will also gladly admit I am excited to be helping four little people prepare for their own adventures this school year. I have braved the aisles of Target and helped young people I care deeply about make their own choices and build their independence. I have attended meetings on the other side of the table, as a concerned caregiver rather than as a school representative.

I feel free — free from the less-than-glamorous sides of being a special educator. The paperwork and the pressure. But also the need to pause for a moment and recognize this new season in my life. To say out loud that I am not going back to work in my chosen field this fall because I am disabled by my chronic and invisible illnesses. The irony isn’t lost on me that this is so hard for me to do as a special educator. I guess, most of all, as this school year begins I want to wish love and luck to my fellow educators who find the energy and perseverance to do what they do for “their kids” despite all of the difficulties. I want to wish the same to my former students, to the the kiddos who are now “mine” (the very small group of young people whose lives I hope I am having an impact on in some positive way), and lastly to myself because goodness knows I’ll need it as I continue on this journey to accept myself exactly as I am and give what I can, when I can.

Follow this journey on zebrawrites.com.

Image via Thinkstock.

Originally published: September 21, 2016
Want more of The Mighty?
You can find even more stories on our Home page. There, you’ll also find thoughts and questions by our community.
Take Me Home