When You’re the ‘Strong Friend’ Who Is Also Chronically Ill

Today, I had an appointment and I was not feeling well at all. The ladies who check you in at this particular doctor are so nice. Because I have to see this physician every two to three months, they know me by face and name.

Today, they both commented on how cute my hair always looks, even though I may not feel that great. That really made my day and got me to thinking that, while I’m glad I don’t always look like what I am going through, it also makes folks think I have it all under control. But some days, I still need some love.

It also made me realize and experience this:

Last night, I made a post on my personal page about not feeling well and how bad my migraine was. Huge mistake. Why do you ask?? Let me unpack it for you…

Some of us post memes all the time that say things like, “Check on your strong friend.” And when your “strong friend” posts something, the attacks immediately begin. The comments on their posts are often not supportive but rather hypercritical. There is no “feel better sis” or “take care of you sis,” but rather distinct things pointing out what you are not doing or what you should be doing.

While they can seem like well-intended suggestions, have you ever thought that “sis” has tried everything?? Us warriors have tried so many things and are probably at our wits end.

Have you ever thought that “sis” is doing all she can to manage and just needs a little encouragement? No, probably because by human nature many of us are selfish and want to insert our own experiences into a situation versus hearing what someone is going through and just actually being there. Hear me. Listen. Be supportive.

Yes, to reiterate, I said just listen. Be supportive. Be there. And if you know you are not that person, then it’s OK to keep scrolling! Nobody said you have to be that friend to everyone!! We all serve different purposes in different people’s lives.

And while that “strong friend” is not necessarily feeling sorry for herself, she may just be burnt out or having a bad day. This is something many of us, actually something anyone, will more than likely experience as long as they live — if they are human. And it is OK!

Know that she will process what contributed to that moment and work through it. But it is important to feel she has support to navigate through the rough moments and not feel attacked. So the same support she gives to others in those moments of toughness, she needs that too.

From a chronic illness standpoint, there is a lot that you don’t see. When many of us actually muster up the courage to post when we are having a bad day, please know it has to be a pretty bad day for us to post about it.

You see, in my own journey, there are many things you don’t see. You don’t see the seven pills I take for breakfast or the nine I take at bedtime, plus the two nasal sprays and the inhalers I use to just function daily. Unless you’ve been out with me in public, you don’t see the emergency meds in my purse in case I start feeling super sick. I try to take them on the sly so nobody notices. You don’t know I have purse medication, desk medication, car medication and house medication. You don’t see my calendar of appointments with my PCP, specialists, treatments, tests, etc. You don’t see the texts with my hairstylists when my hair starts falling out regarding what we can do to help make it better. All you see is one single post.

So before you comment on that “strong friend’s” post, take a second to think about what they are juggling. Think about what they need at that moment. Your response could be the difference between added stress and rejection or comfort during a tough time.

Follow this journey at Simple Little Brown Girl Jae.