What I Want to Say to All the 'Healthy' People as Someone With Chronic Illness
I miss being you.
Having what felt like a bound of endless energy. Able to start a task and see it to completion. Work to the point your muscles are feeling a healthy ache, but a hot bath does just the trick. It was a reward, that bath; not a way to relieve constant pain. Being able to “work hard and play harder.”
Don’t take it wrong when I say I’m envious. I watch you run and think, “I used to be that girl.” Now, walking up some stairs can do me in. I desperately want to get up and run circles around you.
Hearing you say you’re tired makes me want to roll my eyes, because I wish I could just feel “tired.” Instead, I’m plagued with often constant fatigue that can be debilitating.
I envy your ability to suddenly make plans and stick with them. I have to plan every little detail out, down to making sure I can rest if I need to between activities. If I don’t, I feel my body rebel before my plans out are finished. If I rebelliously don’t be proactive and plan, it’s russian roulette with the odds. There’s no guarantee I’ll get to enjoy myself.
I so want to join things that light up my face without a grimace of pain while I do so. I want to fully be in the moment without having to stop when I suddenly feel unwell.
I want this and I want that, blah, blah, blah. I know…. Just a sick girl complaining. It’s OK to stop reading at this point if you want.
But before you do, just one more thing….
I so miss being you. You know, healthy? I hate that I don’t always get to be true to my authentic self and always cheer everyone on. I love celebrating with others. Being happy for them makes me happy in return. But sometimes, on some days, I am sad.
Today, I’m sad. I’m going to feel these feels for a moment and honor my journey.
But tomorrow, I’ll wake up, fight the pain of simply climbing out of bed, do what I need to do and remind myself how fortunate I have been and how much I love life in spite of being that sick girl.
To all the healthy people: I truly wish you to remain well.
Image by Timon Studler via Unsplash
Lydia is a writer based in Virginia. She is a twin, sister, aunty, wife and a chronic pain and illness fighter, along with a supporter of loved ones with rare diseases that need more awareness. Her hobbies include traveling, being outdoors and lost in nature, collecting books she is determined to fully read one day, volunteering for causes dear to heart, and spending time being entertained by her rescue cat who never ceases to make her chuckle.
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