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What I Want to Say to All the 'Healthy' People as Someone With Chronic Illness

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I miss being you.

Having what felt like a bound of endless energy. Able to start a task and see it to completion. Work to the point your muscles are feeling a healthy ache, but a hot bath does just the trick. It was a reward, that bath; not a way to relieve constant pain. Being able to “work hard and play harder.”

Don’t take it wrong when I say I’m envious. I watch you run and think, “I used to be that girl.” Now, walking up some stairs can do me in. I desperately want to get up and run circles around you.

Hearing you say you’re tired makes me want to roll my eyes, because I wish I could just feel “tired.” Instead, I’m plagued with often constant fatigue that can be debilitating.

I envy your ability to suddenly make plans and stick with them. I have to plan every little detail out, down to making sure I can rest if I need to between activities. If I don’t, I feel my body rebel before my plans out are finished. If I rebelliously don’t be proactive and plan, it’s russian roulette with the odds. There’s no guarantee I’ll get to enjoy myself.

I so want to join things that light up my face without a grimace of pain while I do so. I want to fully be in the moment without having to stop when I suddenly feel unwell.

I want this and I want that, blah, blah, blah. I know…. Just a sick girl complaining. It’s OK to stop reading at this point if you want.

But before you do, just one more thing….

I so miss being you. You know, healthy? I hate that I don’t always get to be true to my authentic self and always cheer everyone on. I love celebrating with others. Being happy for them makes me happy in return. But sometimes, on some days, I am sad.

Today, I’m sad. I’m going to feel these feels for a moment and honor my journey.

But tomorrow, I’ll wake up, fight the pain of simply climbing out of bed, do what I need to do and remind myself how fortunate I have been and how much I love life in spite of being that sick girl.

To all the healthy people: I truly wish you to remain well.

Image by Timon Studler via Unsplash

Originally published: May 7, 2021
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