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I'm Tired and It's OK

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I hate to complain, I try so hard not to. Right now I just need to vent. I’m tired. I’m tired of the constant pain I am in. I’m tired of painful procedure after painful procedure to try to determine what is causing these intractable migraines. I’m tired of pills that barely take away the pain but leave me feeling drowsy and foggy. I’m tired of feeling like my life is passing me by.

Two days ago my pain management doctor did a cervical discogram to see if bulging discs in my neck are partly responsible for the intractable migraine. A discogram is an invasive and painful procedure that involves injecting contrast dye into the discs to see if it mimics your usual pain. I’ve been in a lot of pain since, and my pain medications are barely controlling it. I know this pain is a good thing. I know it most likely means the test was a success.

This is just another one of the many tests and procedures we have tried to see if we can determine what’s causing my pain. I appreciate the work this doctor has done to try to get to the bottom of all of this. I appreciate him being willing to prescribe pain medication to help me get through the day. He’s the first doctor who’s really tried to help me and not given up on me. I’m grateful for him. I’m just tired.

I want my old life back. Before the constant headaches and joint pain. When I could keep up with my children and not feel like a burden to my family. I want to go back to being the wife and mother my family deserves. To be able to go out and have fun without paying for it for days. I want to be free of medication side effects and dependence.

I’ll be OK. I’ll keep getting up and facing each day as it comes. I’ll keep searching for the answers. I won’t give up. Some days I just get tired, and this is one of those days. It’s OK to be tired and it’s OK to admit you’re tired. We all have our rough days, chronic illness or not.

The Mighty is asking its readers the following: What’s one secret about you or your loved one’s disability and/or disease that no one talks about? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

Originally published: June 3, 2016
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