The Hardest Letter I’ve Ever Had to Write With Chronic Illness

The hardest letter I’ve ever had to write as a person with chronic illness was to my closest friends.

I’ve been sick my whole life. But it hasn’t been until the last 3 years that my life has really changed. I’ve had friends come and go, and ones who really have stood by my side. But their lives have evolved and blossomed into wonderful memories and accomplishments and I’ll be honest, it is as beautiful as it as hurtful. And it is far more painful as the pain I feel daily.

I have friends who are getting married, having babies, going on trips, writing books, getting promotions and doing all these wonderful things in life and well me…what about me??? I’ll tell you what I’m doing. Going to appointments, picking up meds, being hospitalized, being put on bed rest and watching the world go by.

You see, when I was in undergraduate school, I had plans. I was supposed to be married with at least two kids by now, and a director at a nonprofit organization just climbing the ladder. But then I found out I miscarried and couldn’t have kids on my own, and then endometriosis and adenomyosis took over. As if that weren’t enough, so many other chronic illnesses and an autoimmune disease took over. And the fight of my life truly began. In a span of 4 years, I have almost died three times. I have spent days as an inpatient in the hospital and now have a whole different life than what I thought.

This past New year’s Eve, life just hit hard. I felt more alone than I ever had in my life. I felt like no friends or family got it or supported my endeavours. I felt like I was back in high school, and like my other friends were more popular and their blogs and websites were liked because well, they were more liked than I was. I felt used by people and unappreciated. You see, I felt like it was all well and good when I could do things for others and give part of myself, but when I needed that support, everyone disappeared. And it hurt me deep.

While I fundamentally know I’m a great person and the things I do are making an impact for someone somewhere, in those moments I didn’t feel that way. But I realized I had to pen a letter and I will say, it was the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. It was hard because I love my friends and want the best for them, but I realized the love and joy I have for them was robbing myself of any happiness I would have for myself. I realized that I had to take a step back from everything to rewrite my goals and remind myself that I am enough, I am doing great things and that my goals are just as valid.

You see, chronic illness can rob you of the life you had and all your previous goals and dreams. It also sometimes makes you feel inferior to those in your circle. And I admit, I felt that way. In the letter I wrote to my friends, I openly told them of my jealousy and inferiority because I had to shift my dreams and even give some up because of chronic illness. I openly discussed how deep down it hurt to see the babies being born — literally and metaphorically. It reminded me of this new life I had that I hadn’t even imagined and one that wasn’t even in my plans.

Putting all this on paper and then sending it to my closest friends was so hard. It made me cry because I have never been that type of person. But after I wrote all my feelings out, I realized why I felt the way I did. You see, the other side of chronic illness is this: it is lonely. While everyone is living their best life and cheering each other on and then over here, on the other side, in this elite club, is us the chronic illness warriors in an isolated world. So when we do a great thing or meet a milestone and share it with the world, and we don’t get that love and support back, it hurts. It hurts deep.

So know how hard it is to open up to you about our feelings and express the guilt, anger and sadness. It’s beyond hard. Know that we do love and support you, but may need some time to ourselves to reaffirm our love with ourselves and rebuild our self-esteem.