How Personifying My Pain as an 'Evil Twin' Helps Me Cope
In my mind, every time something goes wrong in my body I always personify that ailment, organ or body system.
I’ll find myself trying to rationalize with my body, symptom, or disease as if we are two separate individuals.
Better put – maybe more like an internal twin.
This little trick helps me to separate myself from my diseases because that is not who I am.
My diseases are what I have, not who I am. The symptoms of my diseases are also not my character traits. I am not my disease.
I am, of course, the good twin. By the end of this, you will agree with me. I can promise you that without a doubt.
I’m not someone to go out of my way or purposefully hurt anyone. I absolutely love to make people laugh and comfort them during struggles. I’m one of those annoying friends that will always call or text to check on you and you’d never doubt if I have love for you. Bless your heart if you have kids and I love you and them, because I will spoil those babies rotten with not one ounce of guilt. It takes a lot to make me angry and I’m always up for an adventure. This is the real me.
The other one. Let’s call her, Lymertha. She’s the personified version of all of my diseases, conditions and symptoms all rolled into one.
Lymertha, as you can tell even from her name, doesn’t play very nicely with others. Short-tempered, anxious, paranoid and rude. She’s very use to having things her own way and will raise hell with the slightest change or stress. She’s been known to be able of destroying entire immune systems of her host or hostess in a matter of days! That tells you right there that she just does not care about anything. The nerve…No, the audacity to come in as a guest and wreak havoc like she does is down right appalling!
The only time she leaves is just to prank me. She will hide out in my bones and tissues. I won’t hear her as loudly for a few hours or maybe even a day and then bam! Out of nowhere she’s back! And creepily singing, “One…two… Lymertha is coming for you,” as she takes a sledgehammer to my stomach. Whack! Whack!
“Three…four…now you’re on the floor.”
Whack! Whack! Whack!
I’ve asked what I have done wrong. She won’t tell me. I’ve apologized and sent her flowers. I even wrote a card to go with the flowers:
“Dear Lymertha, I’m not sure what I’ve done, but if you would, please forgive me and stop breaking things. Especially anything that is on the inside…Because that is much more expensive and harder to fix.”
She still hasn’t answered or told me what I’ve done wrong. She just continues to hack away at my bones and sets all the nerves throughout my body on fire while I’m screaming, “You’re why we can’t have nice things!” as I attempt to dodge the shrapnel flying around and put out the flames.
She yells back, “You’re not my real host!”
Then she goes storming off to continue her epic temper tantrum over in my leg muscles. With a pickaxe in her hands, she raises it above her head; I hold my breath and brace for impact. The whole time, Lymertha is still singing, “Seven…eight…now you’ll be up real late.”
This is clearly an extremely toxic relationship. I just can’t seem to find the right moment to take off running full speed into the woods to stumble upon some magical doorway into another world.
Hey, don’t laugh. It could happen. There have been thousands of books written with that exact theme. And when I find it, you’ll want to come along too. So, I wouldn’t chuckle too deeply.
Getty Image by Electra-K-Vasileiadou
I'm searching for the words to try to explain my journey fighting Lyme Disease and all that go along with this life-altering diagnosis. In 2010 my world came crashing down when I was told those earth shattering words that many of us live to fear, “You have cancer.” I was in Washington state at the time and thankfully my mom was able to fly in and join the support system I had there. From there we came back to Mississippi and was seen at West Clinic and after two biopsies determining that they believed I had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. By the grace of God my tumors disappeared. I can remember being in the hospital and asking about Lyme disease. It was brushed off and treatment for histoplasmosis began. Several PICC lines and countless vials of IV medicine over an almost year and half process that round of treatment was ended. The next few years were spent in and out of the hospital and emergency rooms. A list of specialists a mile long diagnosed me with a list of diseases and disorders equally as long. With each new diagnosis or symptom, a new medication was added. It was only a matter of time before my body crashed under the weight of all the medications. In 2013 I was diagnosed with late stage neurological Lyme disease. The tests showed that I was undiagnosed for over 7 years. The crazy thing is that Lyme can mimic or cause Lymphoma so all those years I spent treating something that was caused by my Lyme disease. I started the first round of antibiotics via a PICC line in late 2013. By March of 2014 I had endured six PICC line infections, removals and replacements when the doctor's decided to put in a portacath. After nine months of IV antibiotics treatment twice a day of 3 different medications my body was falling apart. In the process of trying to kill my Lyme and coinfections the treatment was unfortunately killing me. I was bedridden most of the time and unable to enjoy life or even participate. It was after a very honest talk with my doctors that we realized this was not the path for healing. I worked hard over the next year and a half to try to rebuild my body after the havoc of Lyme and treatment. I lost 120 pounds, started eating healthy and exercising and took myself off every pain medication/ pharmaceutical that were flooding my body. It was during this time of sickness and hope for recovery that I found my true passion in life and enrolled in college to one day become a pediatric oncology nurse. Sadly, this window of health was short lived and by the end of 2017 I was beginning to show symptoms of my disease no longer being in remission. In early April of 2018 I was forced to face the truth and resigned from my job and started the process again of IV antibiotics treatment. Within the first dose of treatment the side effects began, chronic nausea and vomiting for hours on end. Excruciating pain and migraines coupled with severe muscle spasms and the loss of any muscle control at times. I don't know how to explain to someone that hasn't been through a life changing chronic illness what it is like to feel yourself slipping away. Or the overwhelming fear when you stare down at your own legs and your unable to stop the violent convulsions. Or the heartbreak that comes with discovering your teeth are breaking off because of the acids from throwing up so much and so often. And in the midst of all of this turmoil, knowing if you could only have access to higher qualified doctors and healers that you could return to a better quality of life; not confined to the four walls of your bedroom which has now transformed into a mini hospital unit. As it stands now, my doctor has informed me that I am out of options for beating this disease. The ONLY next available step is to check into a treatment facility that is designed to treat the disease and heal my body. I've been blessed in my life to have experienced some amazing and miraculous events. I'm truly grateful for having some of the kindest and most compassionate people sprinkled in throughout my life and over the years with this gruesome journey of living with a life-threatening disease. My fear is that at only 33 years old, after overcoming every struggle so far that this disease will rob me of so many more life experiences that were once in store for me. Or that even worse, I will continue to slowly deteriorate until I'm no longer myself or unable to recognize those I love or them me. In the meantime, I want to raise awareness about this disease and what it truly does to someone.
lymesouthernbelle