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Tough weekend, tough therapy session
Sorry I ramble on so much.
I have been feeling so depressed that my body and mind just ache and ache. I feel like dead weight. I haven’t been sleeping well either and that helps absolutely nothing. My PTSD-centered therapy of nearly three years has been intense overall but we have entered into another “super intense” phase.
My therapist and I are looking again at specific memories and trying to focus more on the feeling aspect as well as my thought process. Today I discovered one way that I learned to label myself “worthless.” The whole thing has ripped my heart out and has been a little bit of an “Oh, my God” moment. I actually got to the point of saying “it wasn’t my fault.” I was the one who got into trouble – my perpetrator wasn’t even approached. As a 14-year-old, my needs for safety and protection were not met even when those needs should have been shining like a neon sign. I took my cues from others – at that age I had no other frame of reference – and what was seen on the outside (which was definitely not the whole picture but there were definite snapshots) was treated like it was “no big deal” so I didn’t think it was. I stayed in the role as victim even though I had no clue anything was wrong. And things got worse.
My therapist put this into Cognitive Processing Therapy terms before I left his office today. He came up with a stuck point that I’m having trouble with. “If people don’t respond to my needs, I am worthless.” It makes me sound so needy. As a 14-year-old, I wasn’t ABLE to be responsible for all of my needs though. Or was I? But that question bumps against the idea that it was my fault, doesn’t it? It’s so confusing!! And I know now, as a woman in my 50s, I AM responsible for meeting my own needs and don’t equate others not responding to them as a sign that I am worthless. At least not for the most part.
He told me to change my stuck point to something that feels better but I’m not sure what fits. And…truth be told…if I took what he gave me or came up with something else, I would then have to attempt a try at the worksheets. I know there is avoidance in there. I am in so much pain I don’t know if I can do it on my own.
I hate this.
#PTSD #CPTSD #Therapy #cpt #cognitiveprocessingtherapy #Depression #Anxiety
