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Learning new things in therapy

I go to therapy weekly.
One or two times.
Group therapy and individual therapy.
And I am being really brave.
First of all for showing up!
That does take a lot sometimes.
And secondly for making myself available for change.
By sharing, learning, seeing patterns, receiving advice and home work.
It you have ever been in therapy or are right now; I applaud you!
It takes a lot.
So does the homework.
I am finding it all quite challenging.
Also, I am a perfectionist.
I want it all done right away and in a A+ manner.
But that's not how healing goes AT ALL...
So I was happy I found this on Pinterest:
Instead of thinking "It's too hard, I can't".
I am now practicing saying "I need more practice. It will take time and that's okay. It's all new to me. I am doing good".
And showing myself grace.
Don't know who needs to see this.
But I imagine one or two of you do - like me.
#Therapy
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#HighlysensitivePerson
(Picture from Pinterest)

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Weird time to be Jewish, struggling with mental health

I learned in the absolute worst way, that my therapist just happened to be antisemitic.

Our first session after the massacre went ok, she mentioned just enough so I knew she was a little Pro-Palestine, but not a ton, and she listened to me cry about the massacre, and cry about the feeling Jewish liberals have of being abandoned by the left. I’ve talked about my Jewish experience many times, and she knew how affected I am by all of this, and that my grandmother’s a holocaust survivor.

I had another session with her a couple of weeks later- which was when the Pro-Palestine movement was really picking up in the most terrifying way, I texted her before the session to make sure it wouldn’t be an issue. She assured me.

Before our session I was feeling a bit better about everything, it was the same day of the huge Jewish gathering in Washington, I watched the whole thing live streamed while I worked; watched hundreds of thousands of Jewish people sing together, and support eachother, it was beautiful, I wasn’t alone.

The entirety of our session, she argued with me about war, said some pretty insane things that I guess she believes to be true, things that don’t make any sense, that no one would possibly believe, if it wasn’t Israel; but alas, here we are.

She made me cry, and not in the good kind of therapeutic cry, she made me terribly uncomfortable; and then I paid her.

When I texted her to tell her I wasn’t going to see her anymore and how bad she hurt me, she didn’t understand- she said - “I didn’t incite violence”…. I didn’t think inciting violence was where that line was.

She thought, “from the river to the sea” wasn’t a death chant, but then recognized that she knew killing the Jews were on the first page of the Hamas charter.

She brought up Gaza, and asked me what my definition of genocide was…. My definition?? I didn’t know that’s how definitions worked. I didn’t know you get to create your own definitions to match your personal options.

She said Israel’s overly aggressive response to the attack was what was fueling the rise in antisemitism. Overly aggressive. October 7th was the worst day for us since the Holocaust. The absolute horrors that were performed that day, to civilians, to children, the children that are still being held hostage.

Then- she said that she didn’t understand why we wanted that land anyway, surrounded by Muslim countries; and that when they were figuring out where to put us, there were some other countries in the conversation. Why would the Jewish people would want to live in their homeland? Every prayer every story in the Torah, it all happens there. And, I definitely shouldn’t be put in a position to defend that in therapy.

I had been trying to not engage, so this session, with my therapist, was the worst encounter I’ve had, I wasn’t arguing with trolls online, I’ve been staying out of it, letting it eat at my insides, needing so badly to talk it out, in therapy.

I’ve been with her for 5 years. Our opinions have always aligned, I’ve always considered myself to be a liberal social justice warrior, too. I never thought I’d have to take being Jewish into consideration when it came to healthcare.

It’s always hard to start over with a new therapist, but I feel like now in particular- I need to be able to comfortably talk about my feelings surrounding the war in Israel; also- I have a very very long and severe history of mental illness that is hard enough in itself to start new with.

On October 7th, when I was told Israel was at war, my first response was- oh no, this is going to be really bad for us. And was told not to worry, there was an absolutely horrendous terrorist attack, antisemitism isn’t going to rise over this, they were very obviously the victims.
Which- would be the only thing to make any plausible sense, I’m sure it would be the only response, if the “they”, weren’t Jewish.

I can go on forever about how this is making me feel, but not here, in therapy, with someone who isn’t rooting against me in a war that I can’t possibly afford to lose. With someone who believes in the only free democracy of the Middle East, before buying into the will of an autocratic terrorist regime.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Therapy #Jewish #PTSD #generationaltrauma

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The martir: is the therapy working?

#Depression #Therapy
Well.... Martir, that was the word the psyquiatrist used today. I felt so bad that the thought of ending my life came back.
I was able to get distracted with some stupid tv, however it is 12:37am and I am awake with a stupid headache from crying.
I take shit from a lot of people, it is not to be a victim, a saint, nothing like that.
In the first place, I HATE arguing; then feelings are so more complex then what they look like.
The therapist, a psychiatrist, thinks I'm complicating the easy, that almost insults my intelligence; he tries to say that I put myself in places that are bad for me! I don't exactelly choose that. It's not black and white!!!
What happens is that I do bad things to people, then I feel bad. Or I can see the other side of bad people, and feel horrible for them! I am not really punishing myself, I just want things to be ok.
And after the appointment I was overcome with such a feeling of ... I can't explain, I felt horrible, like everything will always be bad because I make it bad for myself, I can't stop!
I can't stop this train that goes so fast and all the destruction that is left behind. This giant wave that leaves so much mud.
So... Yes,I am done! I'm so done ... I'm so lonely! I thought I could get help in therapy, but feels like he sees only the bored middle aged woman! He sees the present, he says I can't work my past, he says I always want to find what's wrong with myself.
All I want is help, he asks what kind of help: I want all these to go away, or at least hurt less.
It hurts so bad ...
How would I know if I'm walking to the right direction? My feeling is that I irritated him !

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Healing Things

Listening to music, looking at the ocean, and looking at the stars are very therapeutic for me.

What are things that are therapeutic for you?

#ChronicIllness #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #Therapy #Music #ocean #stars

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Inner child work #PTSD #childsexabuse #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Therapy

#PTSD I am going to therapy. I have seen probably at least 7 different therapists throughout my life. Currently, I am seeing a lady that I really like. In fact, I wish I had found her sooner. I have had a lot of “firsts” with this therapist like sharing something with her I have never told anyone about.
Just recently, I have noticed that i feel like I am two different versions of myself: adult me and child me. Whenever we meet, my mental state feels very childlike. It is hard to explain. I get nervous and stutter sometimes. I have NEVER felt like a child with a therapist. I don’t stutter usually. Is this my inner child coming out in therapy because she finally feels safe enough to do so? Do I just roll with it? How do you tell the difference between them? I am confused as to why I feel this way and why has this never happened before. I am planning to discuss this with my therapist of course. Has anyone experienced this before?

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Therapy for CPTSD

I’ve had 2 very harmful therapy/treatment experiences, both of which ended this year and I’m feeling completely lost and exhausted and hopeless.

Do any of you have bad therapy experiences you’d like to share? #MentalHealth #Therapy #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Depression

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GriefShare...

It was brought to my attention from my therapist that she suggest I try out some GriefShare groups for my grief.

I told my therapist I was willing to give it a try. I have yet put any effort in it due to the "not knowing" part.
Not knowing how it'll be.
Not knowing of where to go.
Not knowing if it's for me due to how long it's been since I've been with grief.

I guess where I'm going with this post is, if any of you Mighties have participated in GriefShare Groups.. could you share some insights. Some tips. Some advice.

I'm wanting to give this a try!! I do.

#Anxiety #Depression #Insomnia #PTSD #Healing #Therapy #Grief #griefshare #GAD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Migraines

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On Finding Magic Once Again

There’s something about the arts that gives it an illusory, magical quality. There’s always been a reason why I am attracted to well-done theater, a spellbinding book, an emotionally cathartic poem, a pensive song.

The expressive arts is a charm that is cast over many others like me. We aim to capture the human experience in the best words. The best way possible. There is a quote on my personal website that I have searched and searched for by Octavio Paz. It hints at art being a product of aesthetics, which is in turn a product of philosophy.

“What we call art is a game,” Paz said.

To me, art is about reinvention. You can never have too much stories or songs in my opinion because the world and everyone in it is always changing. Maybe I don’t remember much about my relationships or my childhood because I escaped so easily into a book or drawing something (badly, I would like to admit). But what I do remember is the moments when a book or a song made me change the way I think once again.

To be honest, I’ve gone through the reinvention phase again. Because my hair cannot grow fast enough, I bought a wig and posed in silly ways with silly filters. I felt like a child who found their mother’s red lipstick for the first time. I would lip sync to an old emo song I knew or wear my glasses and pretend that I was an emo version of Jessica Day (from “New Girl”).

Being emo has always been at the heart of myself. Winter, just another season for bringing out my winter darks and the busying music of my Italian boots. I went to my first private tutoring session blasting Violet Orlandi’s cover music through open car windows.

Magic makes us feel liberated in a world where structures aim to keep us down and numb. Not saying that I did a perfect job at my first tutoring session on my own, but I walked away thinking that my sense of autonomy is growing. The independence I feel at the corners of myself is slowly morphing into a network of good people and confidence.

Occasionally, I’ll doubt myself. But my magical self will say, “It’s okay to think that, Taylor.”

“But can you imagine what life would be like if that wasn’t true? If you were to succeed and more?”

Part of my bipolar mind wants to control everything. From my weight and diet to my work schedule. Manias are often me losing an incredible amount of sleep just to create anything that will last forever–then me crashing because I wasn’t successful with that. So, because I am teaching myself about the beauty of slow progress, I am taking the time to integrate grace, gratitude, and peace into my life.

I don’t have to schedule a heavy day of reading, writing, and research. I don’t have to exercise for an hour. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. By seeing my productivity as a privilege, I start to welcome slowness. I start to weave intention into whatever walks into my life.

For example, there’s a guy that I like. But part of me is afraid that he does not make room for intention or stillness, that he makes work his whole identity because he wants to forget about the hard things he’s been through. There’s nothing wrong with that. But liking him–and I think he likes me for the breath of (moodily emo) air I am–has been like trying to corral a wild stallion into a corner.

Do I know just how dangerous that can be? Why on earth am I giving myself this impossible task of trying to get him to notice me, to ask me out, when I need to let my own wildness roam? If he wants to roam with me, then let him, my mind says. But don’t think that you both are trying to tame each other.

Someone once told me that introducing something new into your life should be regarded as a luxurious addition. It brings out the flavors you already have in your palette. Building a plate that does not have much (what my sister calls a scarcity model) and then bringing in something only emphasizes what you are lacking.

Because last month I was severely victimizing myself, I am finding magic in people once again. Building a healthy plate to eat from by establishing light-hearted but joyous relationships and mixing in a healthy amount of laughter and deep conversations. I am slowly looking at people not as what I lack but what their different perspective, if they are so willing, to add to my life.

This magical concoction is what I call not a cure, but an antidote to my loneliness. It heals and absolves the pain I went through before my thirties. It even sprinkles in a little bit of love and resilience and maturity so that I don’t make the same mistakes again.

This falling in love again and again and again is why I continue to believe in magic. It is why every time I get out of bed, I am not mourning the day already. There’s so much to do and so much not that by becoming stuck doesn’t seem like an option. Every day is an opportunity. And I will continue to fight. To let my magically rebellious heart win for once.

#Bipolar #BipolarDepression #bipolarmania #Hope #Magic #Healing #Therapy

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Therapist :Are you angry with me? Me: No. I'm just angry with everyone. !!!( lie)

A bit of a lie. Yes I'm angry with you!!!!
I am just learning to acknowledge that it's anger I am feeling. I get a blank cloud in my mind. I persuade myself it's my ex father is the only one I'm angry with because admitting that all the money I'm investing in therapy isn't making the practical help I really hoped for visible.
Am I expecting too much too soon. There have been.lots of ups and downs with this roller coaster. Please say its OK to be this dissociated from my natural emotions.
#Therapy # CPTSD # anger#mental health