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How Depersonalization Has Changed My Perspective on Life

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When you experience a moment in a place that’s not quite reality, you may have an understanding of what depersonalization feels like. A dream-like state — clouded and unreal. I hear the voices of my peers but nothing is registering, someone asks me a question and I can’t answer. Everything’s too confusing. I look down at a body, the one that’s suppose to be mine, and question whether or not it’s really me.

When I enter this state of mind, I may feel like no one can see me, like I’m hidden in the crowd. I feel as if time is leaving me behind and the rest of the world walks forward, continuing with their lives.

When this happens, I’m desperate to be grounded, to find my way back to reality, but nothing seems to be working. I’m stuck observing the world from a distance, and while I have exerted little energy, I feel exhausted. The weight of the world rests on me.

After time has passed, and my cloud begins to leave, my mind and body connect. I quickly feel unorganized, unsettled. My peers still ask me questions. Are you listening to me? Have you heard anything I’ve said? I answer with “I’m sorry,” and try to move on. I don’t know how to explain what I’m going through, what’s happening to me.

I frequently worry about when this will happen to me again. When will I lose myself again? When will I be “gone” again?

I worry about what my family thinks, what they think about when I’m fading. Do they wonder like I do, about my mental state?

It leaves so much pressure on me, so much uncertainty.

I view the world much differently than I did before I started dissociating. I now view it with sadness and doubt.

I hope to one day find clarity, and be rid of these symptoms. But for now, I will enter the day proceeding with caution.

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Thinkstock photo via redtea.

Originally published: September 7, 2017
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