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When Depression and Anxiety Hold You Captive in Your Own Mind

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“Silence is the most powerful scream.”

At the beginning, depression creeps on you quietly. At the beginning, you struggle with it a lot. You convince yourself, it’s just a bad day. Soon, you get used to putting on a social mask, like you’re putting on your own play.

The lack of self-esteem and confidence becomes so unbearable all you want to do is stay in bed and suffer in silence. You tend to push away people, family and friends, not because you don’t want to be around them, but because you don’t want them to feel hurt or be affected by your mental illness.

They say having depression is bad and depression is like having this little person on your shoulder whispering horrible things. But living with both anxiety and depression? For me, it is like having two little people standing on your shoulders. Instead of whispering sweet nothings, they’re telling you horrible things.

One is telling you to get up and do the thing you need to do. It says things like, “You need to get it done or you’ll regret it.” Meanwhile the other one is saying things like, “You don’t need it. Stay in bed. It doesn’t matter.” It’s like being pulled back and forth. Like having two different minds sets. Sometimes, it feels like there’s a whole different person living in your mind with you.

My mind holds me a hostage. My mind convinces me my life and my being is worthless. It has convinced me I am annoying, selfish and I hold no value. While at the same time, I know I am not. On these days, you are not alone, but you feel like it.

Soon, you feel like suicide is the only way because your dear friend, depression, says so. However, your friend anxiety says no. It makes you over-analyze everything. So you don’t do it.

Your demons stay with you everywhere you go. They never leave you alone, whether you’re at school, at a friend’s house or even with your family. Anxiety and depression stay with you. Even when you don’t think so, they’re still there, staying in the back of your mind.

Some days it gets worse, but some days are better than others. Soon, you will learn to cope and live with your demons. One day it will get more calm. Just keep going.

“I am in repair. I’m not together. But I’m getting there.”

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page. 
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. 
Originally published: July 8, 2016
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