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How Anxiety and Depression Buried the Excitement of Saying 'I Do'

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Purchasing your first home and getting married are supposed to be two of the most stressful but exciting events in your life. So having the two events two months apart from each other was bound to upset even the strongest of people.

Of course, when this was a year away it was easy to be excited and motivated, but the closer it got the more stressful it became. I became more distant, the move I had been so excited about was starting to mean nothing to me. The idea of changing from my mother’s home to a new environment made me question what I was doing and when the time came I left the entire move to my soon-to-be wife and her family. I could see her getting frustrated and upset, but all I could do was sleep and maybe go to work. Her frustrations just frustrated me, and I found myself not wanting to be around her at all, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 

The wedding got closer, and I could feel myself spiraling out of control. I spent most of my time out, away, maybe not going to my new home at all and avoiding any sense of responsibility. As the wedding got nearer I could see her getting emotional, stressed and worried at my lack of interest. I was excited, but it was so far down buried underneath the anxiety of saying “I do” and the depression that was slowly swallowing me. I couldn’t show it. 

The wedding was a blur. She looked beautiful and I was happy for those few hours, our close family had turned up and I had asked my brother-in-law to be my best man as we had decided to get married in Las Vegas. But after we came home, I was swallowed whole again. And this time I could not fight my way back out. We got back, we had the wedding reception, but everyone knew something was wrong. 

I spent the last few days after that planning my end. At that point I couldn’t care less who I left behind. All I knew was that I couldn’t take life anymore and I wanted out.

Needless to say, my mother and wife saved me that day.

But you can’t hate your mum for telling you what to do, she’s your mum, that’s her job to take care of you. But my wife, oh I hated her for stopping me. Taking that decision away from me and telling me what to do. She left me twice in the following months. I can’t blame her, I had decided to move back to my mother’s and she went back to our home.

I made the wrong kinds of friends, I did the wrong kinds of things. I was not myself and my mind could not climb its way out of the blackness and return to reality. All the while my wife was alone, not knowing what I was doing or with who. She didn’t want to get a divorce, we had only been married a month, she just wanted me to get better and come back to her. There isn’t a lot of women out there who would stick around through that.

It was my love for her that got me out of the pit of depression. It was also my music that got me out and made me realize how much I had been abusing not only her, but my whole family. That first time playing the piano brought back feelings I hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever. I started using experiences to create music. I had always loved mellow meaningful songs, but always opted for the heavy metal preference. I didn’t plan my music to go viral, it was just for me. But when it got such a massive response I felt like my life was worth something. Helping others with the same problems or even realizing I wasn’t alone in what I was thinking and feeling made me feel better and want to seek help from clinics. It made me want to reconnect with my wife, make her feel loved again and show her that I can be the man she deserves. She very lovingly accepted me back, but we both know this isn’t going to go away. Depression isn’t something we can just switch off whenever we feel like it. But we can treat our loved ones better, and I know now that if I ever get to the state I was in before, I have to talk to those closest to me and not disappear.

My music about my battles with depression and mental health has already been in newspapers and on radio shows. It was with the love and support I received from family and friends that got me this opportunity.

This was a song I wrote about my experience:

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock image via ragıp ufuk vural

Originally published: February 22, 2017
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