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Why I Can Laugh and Smile and Still Have Depression

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Depression and anxiety are not always what people imagine them to be.

Sure, I sit on my bed and I cry a lot. And sure, I feel sad.

But it’s not just feeling sad.

Sometimes, it’s feeling empty, like there’s nothing in your body, and you’re just a shell. Sometimes, it’s feeling angry, confused, down, lonely, upset, tired, exhausted, stressed and just feeling the weight of the world on your little shoulders.

Sometimes, it’s sleeping the day away because you’re weirdly exhausted. Sometimes, it’s not sleeping at all.

Sometimes, it’s scraping your hair back into a messy bun on top of your head because you just cannot be bothered to wash it. Sometimes, it’s standing in the shower for an hour, just letting the water pour over you.

Sometimes, it’s ignoring everybody around you because you just cannot deal with interaction. Sometimes, it’s bugging them because you need reassurance they’re still there.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to remember how to smile and laugh. Sometimes, it’s non-stop smiling.

Sometimes, the smiles are genuine. Sometimes, the smiles are a lie.

You’re allowed to have good days, and you’re allowed to have bad days. You’re allowed to laugh with friends and family. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself. But you’re also allowed to cry it out. You’re allowed to sit on your bed and listen to the same song on repeat while sobbing into a tub of ice cream.

We can be having fun, and still have depression. Just because I’m away for the day and I smile for a photo does not mean that somewhere in my head there is not the black cloud which makes some days seem impossible to face.

Depression and anxiety come in different forms for everybody. But for me, this post kind of sums it up.

Sometimes I have motivation. Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I have great fun and laugh. Sometimes I cry a lot.

Sometimes I’m talkative and I love being around people. Sometimes I want to be left alone.

Sometimes I can jump out of bed and face the day. Sometimes I can’t even get the motivation to roll over, so facing the day seems impossible.

It’s complex, it’s confusing and it’s really, really annoying. But we’re dealing with it the best we can.

Photo by Kyle Loftus on Unsplash

Originally published: June 22, 2018
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