Depression is a parasite. Depression sucks the life energy out of me. The energy I can use on so much, like getting out of bed. Sometimes it gets so bad that I don’t want to move. It fills my mind with untrue thoughts, like how nobody would care if I was gone. This parasite is tired of me as soon as it gets to me. It wants to make me feel pain, pain it alone cannot give me. It revels in sucking up serotonin, taking all my interests with it. It asks me kindly to not move, to never move again. The only way I seem able to move is when I have someone to move for.
Depression wants to move on more than I do. When I take medicine, it may get frantic, trying to get out and have its voice heard. I believe it is not “curable” for me, unless it leaves on its own. It may do that, but sometimes it will see how much damage it can do first.
It is attached. It doesn’t want to let go, until it knows it will be permanently remembered.
Depression may sometimes have an accomplice. When they say, “opposites attract,” I believe they are talking about this. Depression’s accomplice is Anxiety. Anxiety resides in my brain, but sometimes it can get so big it changes my actions, causing me to sweat, and maybe even make me nauseous. It twists and turns in my stomach, until I feel like I have the stomach flu. It may be accompanied by clammy hands, shortness of breath and thoughts that everything matters except me. It tells me I can’t mess up.
When Depression and Anxiety work together, I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I need to remind myself my feelings are valid. I need to remind myself these feelings aren’t truly me.
This is what it feels like for me to live with anxiety and depression. Everything matters — every action, word and even look. But they tell me I don’t matter and not to be a burden for everyone else.
The “what if’s” and “you’re not worth it’s” fill my mind. I remind myself it’s them, not me. It’s alway them — every action, fear and thought. I must blame them, my parasites.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via Maria Kuznetsova.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for 5+ years. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, no matter how alone I may feel.
riley-donohue