What I Want to Say to My Husband About My Depression
I feel like I’m made of eggshells. The broken pieces fall to the floor for you to tiptoe around. Sometimes I throw them like confetti, other times a bomb. One misstep—one piece crushed under your heel or gently brushed by your foot—sounds an alarm. Sometimes nothing happens and you exhale with relief. Other times I become a tearful, insecure nightmare asking why you don’t love me, even though you’ve loved me deeply and passionately for years. And then there are times my shell becomes impenetrable and I keep you at arm’s length with my anger, irritability, hurtful words, dirty looks and worst of all, silence.
The storm of depression, anxiety, childhood trauma and forced menopause swirl around me and I lose my footing. Other times I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and temper the storm. You never know how I’ll respond, so you prepare for the worst and hope for the best. The truth is, I never know how I’ll respond, either. I never wanted to be this person.
It breaks my heart that you must tread lightly because you deserve only the best of me—my biting humor; the off-kilter way I see the world that makes you laugh; my soft heart that loves deeply and unconditionally; my willingness to give you everything I have; my heart that belongs only to you; how I would sacrifice my life for yours without a second thought; and the love notes I slip under your pillow. You see the best and worst of me. I ask you how you could possibly love me and my broken shell.
We fell headfirst into a timeless love affair—our true selves intertwined, our bond unbreakable even during the most fragile times. When I’m at my worst, you love all my broken pieces, and at my best, you love me just the same.
I’ve given you broken shells and you’ve helped me piece them back together in such a beautiful way—like a Fabergé egg decorated with gold and garlands of diamonds. You help me see the beauty in the broken pieces glued together with love and compassion. You make me feel whole and I am forever grateful.
Getty image by Ekaterina Chernenko