6 Things That Happen to Me After a Breakup as Someone With Depression

1. I break

Not only does the relationship break — I do as well. The pain becomes overwhelming. I feel it in my bones. I begin to lose control of my thoughts and actions, and I feel myself fall apart at any given moment and at any given time. Everything reminds me of them which makes it feel like the tears will never end. My memory has some lapses and I may forget my meds, which doesn’t help the situation one bit — skipping my meds in fact make the pain feel 100 percent worse.

2. I isolate and question

I don’t want to go hang out with friends — I simply don’t have the energy. I don’t want to think about another guy (or girl). I stay home thinking, “where did everything go wrong?” “What could I have done differently?” “Did I fight hard enough for us?” “What’s going to change now?” “Will I still have the same friends?” I stay home and ruminate on all these questions and more. It drives me “crazy” and it doesn’t seem to end.

3. I contemplate suicide.

I take my situation as a catastrophe. How can I live without the person who has been part of my life for so long? Change is so scary and not always welcome. Everything hurts and I just want the pain to end. How do I make it end? I begin to think of “solutions,” and as I’m still broken, I don’t think straight and this is one of the things that comes to mind.

4. I realize who is there during my dark times.

Breakups are hard and it doesn’t take long for the news to spread to my friends and family. During this time, I’ll find out who reaches out to me and who is there for me during my breakup. Being depressed as well, I only have a select few friends and family members who I trust to really be there for me. There will be some who will tell me, “it’s not the end of the world. You’ll find someone better.” These things are true, but in the beginning, I just want a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to me and someone to just be good company as I’m feeling immense loneliness. These are the friends that despite my desire for isolation, help me break out of it — even if it’s for something so small. They text me a “hello, how are you?” during the day. They pick me up for coffee, they take me for walks. These are the best friends that make the extra effort for me and ensure I know I am loved.

5. I learn independence.

Single life is a lot different than being in a relationship. I don’t have “obligations” (I say it in quotations as I know many of us enjoy doing these things) to make dinner plans with that particular person. I don’t have to follow up with them during the day. I don’t have to think of ways to be sweet and romantic. I begin to do all these things for myself. I end up with a lot of alone time, which in the beginning is extremely difficult as I felt isolated, however I’ll slowly begin to embrace the alone time as I start to focus on myself. I take myself on dinner dates whenever I want, I buy myself random treats because I know I deserve it, I begin to take care of myself more than I ever have. I find myself finally smiling again and even enjoying my own company.

6. I begin to grow and realize how far I’ve come.

I’ll forever remember something a friend told me when I was going through a rough time: “Elaine, in a year from now you’re going to look back at today and realize you’ve come out stronger and are in a better place.” I might not feel it now, but it really is true. Twelve months seems far away. And it really is. But it goes by quickly and before I know it, I’ve forgotten how it felt 12 months ago when the breakup was fresh. I’ve stopped questioning that relationship and have accepted it just wasn’t meant to be.