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Depression Makes Me Feel Like a 'Mess'

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When depression is winning, I lose everything. My sense of self no longer exists — I’m nothing. I want to be what you want me to be. I want to be the good girl, the smart girl, the strong girl. But I’m not. I’m a mess, a disaster. I’m nothing. But in my mind I scream, “Please, see that I’m trying.” — but you don’t, you can’t. Because I am not the girl you want me to be, so I’m nothing to you. But you don’t see me. Really see me. You only see failure. You only see problems. You only see despair. But that’s not me. I’m more than that. I’m resilient, and beautiful. I’m more than what you see. And if I hold on long enough, someone else will see it too. I’m not just the disaster you think I am. I am more.

If you’ve thought those things before, if you’ve felt those things before, know that you are not alone. You are never alone. You are not the only person who has felt that way, and thought that way. Depression robs you of so much. A sense of self, a sense of dignity, a sense of love. Anything. Everything. It takes from you what you value most — the you that you know you truly are. The person inside. The real you. Depression takes it. It stomps on it. It tells the real you it has no value anymore. It makes you feel weak and useless. It leaves you feeling alone and scared.

Depression doesn’t just make you feel “sad.” It makes you hopeless, helpless and so very alone. Alone in a way no one can understand. Alone in a way no one should understand. Depression makes you feel like surely you are the only person who has ever felt the way you feel. It truly convinces you that you are alone on your journey. But you’re not alone, you only feel that way. There are people around you who care, you just can’t see it. Reach out to those people — believe that they want to help. They are your light in the tunnel, when all you see is darkness.

You don’t have to drown in your depression, it doesn’t have to win. There is help out there, you are not a lost cause. Keep fighting, keep trying, because depression might feel like it’s winning, but remember — it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Keep going.

Unsplash photo via Kinga Cichewicz

Originally published: June 14, 2018
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