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How COVID-19 Taught Me That My Depression Makes Me ‘Standoffish’

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Having been home for a million days now, I’ve learned a few things about myself — the primary thing being that depression makes me extremely standoffish, especially when I don’t mean to be.

Much to my chagrin, I didn’t come to this realization until fairly recently, when my husband so lovingly asked if he could stay on the couch to nap, as he didn’t want to bother me anymore. In the history of our decade-long relationship, he has never once asked such a thing or implied that I was bothered by his sleeping presence. I gave an offhand answer and realized in that moment how I sounded: put out.

Most days I’m locked in my head in a battle no one sees, but I’m starting to see that my tone and temperament are becoming casualties. I started flipping back through the days and tallying up all the times I spoke to him in a standoffish way, and then I flipped back even further and discovered that I have been doing this for quite a while. All my bluster about self-awareness being key to communicating effectively, only to have my depression made me blind to a piece of myself.

The good news is I am now aware, where I was once blind now I see. Also, he’s sleeping quite peacefully on the couch beside me, not bothering me in the slightest.

If, my friends, you find yourselves in the throes of a depression battle, just remember to let your loved ones in on it. In case they’re wondering, you can let them know it’s not them, it’s your depression.

Can you relate? Let us know in the comments below.

Photo by Mateus Campos Felipe on Unsplash

Originally published: August 27, 2020
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