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What I Wish I Could Tell You Instead of 'I'm Fine'

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As a person with depression, I find it difficult to talk to people even when I need someone the most. People do ask how I’m doing, and most of the time I’ll just say “I’m fine.” I wonder, do they really believe my lie? Do they even care?

At that point in my mind, I can feel a lot of thoughts going round and round, like each thought is racing trying to beat the another. In the end, I end up thinking, why would someone care how I really feel?

But how do I really feel?

Well, that’s a really good question.

Instead of saying “I am fine,” I just want to scream for help. I want to turn to you and tell you I’m dying. Please, help me. It might not be visible, but the monsters in my head are winning my fight against depression. I just want you to help me or do something to save me from actually killing myself.

I fight daily against the negative thought that everyone would be better off without me. Basically, “I’m fine” means I am really not fine. I just really want someone to look further, past my fake smile and see through to all the pain my eyes feel. All the pain my heart feels. All the pain I am going through.

I feel like a volcano ready to blow up. How can I actually tell you that? Just as much as I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want the people around me to know about my feelings. How can I ask for someone else to help me when I can’t even help myself? I am scared of your judgment and that you won’t really care. I’m scared you’ll think I’m “crazy” or maybe a danger to other people. Just so you know, I am not “crazy,” and I am not of any danger to other people, just myself.

My thoughts are so bad that it’s hard for me to put them into words and actually tell you how I really feel. So it’s much easier for me to lie to you saying, “I am fine,” instead of telling you the truth. It’s easier for me to push you away as a means of protecting myself because I am scared of rejection. It’s easier for me to lie.

Deep down, I can still feel there is hope and love in the world. One of my goals is to actually find it and do my part to help others to find it. If you are someone who can relate to my story and would like to get help or help someone, then please do so. There are so many people out there who care for you, including me.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Image via Thinkstock.
Originally published: December 5, 2016
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