What I Want My Soon-to-Be Husband to Know About Our Relationship With Depression

To the man I will call my husband in nine months time…

You never knew mental illness before we met, and yet you stand shoulder to shoulder with me through every struggle. Learning to deal with this side of me was difficult for you, and I can see that some days you’re still learning.

You say I am strong, but you can’t see how unbelievably strong you are. For me, my strength is from necessity, I don’t have a choice in my depression or the situations that led me to it. But for you, I am a choice; you chose to stick around even when I feel I am unlovable, when I push you away, when I am distant and disconnected, sad and shut down… that takes true strength, and for that, I thank you.

No amount of words will ever cover just how thankful I actually am to have you in my life. You are the first person to ever make me excited about the future, or to feel like I actually have one. I look forward to becoming your wife, to building a home together, and hopefully a family too.

Often, I hate my depression and the pain it brings us both. I hate that I want to hurt myself on bad days, not for me but because I know how much that would hurt you. I’ve seen it in your eyes and heard the shock in your voice.

But some days, I am thankful for the empathy and awareness it has brought me, and for the compassion it has taught you; for the hurdles we have overcome together and for every single bad day you have helped me to get through. For how much stronger and closer it has made us.

When depression takes hold, I think I would be a terrible wife and a terrible mother. I think I don’t deserve you in my life. But on those days, you stand by me, unshaken. You hold me when I cry, you tell me I am what you want, you remind me these thoughts are my depression. You make the hard days a little more bearable. You never patronize me. You always try to understand.

For everything you do, I promise to spend the rest of our lives making you happy. I can’t promise to never have bad days, or to never hurt myself again… but I can promise to try, with every fiber of my being, to get through the bad days for you.

I promise to love you unconditionally and to remind you why we fell in love on the good days. I promise to enjoy normality with you, to binge-watch TV and eat pizza with you! I promise to always make you laugh and to laugh along with you! I promise to keep planning our adventures together and write a bucket list with you!

To the man I will call my husband in nine months time… thank you for not letting my depression define me or us.

To the man I will call my husband in nine months time… Thank you for just being you.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.

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Photo by Ivan Cabañas on Unsplash