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How I Got Out of Bed This Morning Despite Depression

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I woke up an hour ago, but I am still in bed.

I cannot move. My body feels so heavy and my heart is beating so hard. I cannot imagine myself standing up; it seems so exhausting. I have no energy. I can only feel my heart beating hard. I cannot do anything. I want to lie down forever; I want to never move again. I am trapped. I will never leave my bed. I cannot leave my bed. I do not want to leave my bed.

I wish I could. I’ve done it a million times, but today I don’t know how. I had been feeling the same, so I guess I forced myself out, but right now it is impossible. I just can’t. I just can’t move. I can’t force myself to move; I don’t want to force myself to move.

So I’m just lying in bed. I am a person who is unwilling to get out of bed, because it is extremely difficult for me. I understand it is very hard for me and I don’t want to do it. If I was going to rock climb but I didn’t have the muscles for it, I wouldn’t want to do it. It is about the same. I don’t have enough power to doing it. I’m not doing it.

I choose to lie in bed, dwell on the past, remember a day of my life when I had fun. I do remember a day I had fun. What if I was about to live that day again? What if I was about to live the exact same day again, today? I imagine that everything that happened and brought me joy back then could happen again today and I would feel the same fun. I would wake up to a day I had lived before, feeling the good things I felt before. Exactly the same day, exactly the same things, exactly the same people, exactly the same places.

Well, maybe the bed table is a different color this time. But I can feel the same joy, right? And maybe there is a poster above the sofa; maybe my house is in a different neighborhood; a friend who was with me back on that first day is maybe on vacation. But I will have the same fun. Maybe there are many more slightly different things, but I can feel the same joy. Maybe there are so many big changes, things I can’t predict and I can’t control, and I can feel the same joy.

Maybe right now, lying in bed, I can feel the same joy. Yes, I can. And getting out of bed… well, I can feel joy doing that too.

Today, I am getting up.

Photo by Andreea Chidu on Unsplash

Originally published: September 7, 2018
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