To the Person Hiding a Deep, Deep Pain Behind That Smile

Have you ever had to get through the day, smiling and talking to people, as if everything were all right, while all the time, you felt your heart crushing inside your chest, feeling like it would come out and fall on the floor even if you took just one more step? Like the roof over your head would collapse just like everything inside you does? Like the big bag of unhappiness deep in your soul would burst at any time?

If yes, then I understand. Because walking through different phases of life, I’ve experienced that crushing pain, that invisible pain that resides in you, spreading, gradually reaching every part of your soul and slowly killing you from inside. That pain, dark and dreary and ready to hollow your insides.

And if today you are going through this pain, I’m here for you. I understand. I care. You are not alone, and you never will be. Because someone somewhere feels exactly like you do.

I have been through it. I have been at a point when I just stood there, blankly looking at myself in the mirror, debating if I should take my life. There was a time, not so long ago, when all I did was lie in the dark and cry for hours on end, when I couldn’t even force myself to speak a single word.

And today, here I am, writing this and telling you that you are not alone, that things do get better, no matter how much time it takes. I did not imagine I would ever cross the age of 18. Yet here I am, at 22, sharing my story with the world, telling them to never stop believing.

Depression, in contrast to what most people think, is not something you can just snap out of. It’s not in your head. It’s a disease. A mental illness. As real as any other physical illness. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you have a mental illness. I was “inside the closet” for a long time because faking a smile was always easier than explaining the reason behind my sadness. I was afraid of what people would think. I was afraid to express my feelings.

Then, one day, as I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, I saw something related to depression, and I decided to create an account aimed at helping others going through the same thing. That one small decision completely changed my life.

Until up to then, I was caught in my own misery. But when, one by one, I started interacting with people, I learned there were so many out there who were going through the same struggles. From that day, my mindset began to change. I started sharing my journey along with listening to other people and helping them as much as I could. That day, and today, I am a completely different person. I now keep sharing my thoughts and my journey with a view of raising awareness and letting the world know many people still struggle behind closed doors.

That being said, there’s something I want you all to know.

Today, let go of what you cannot change, and just breathe. Relax. Take a deep breath and drink some water. It can help. I know it seems like you will never come out of it and nothing will ever be all right.

But that’s not the truth. I’m a living proof. And so are many others.

I am not 100 percent better yet, but now I can laugh. I can enjoy. I can be happy, and I no longer cry all the time. Things do change. Just like happiness doesn’t last forever, neither do difficulties. You can be happy again. You can smile and laugh from your heart.

But till that day, remind yourself it’s OK to break down, it’s OK to fall. It’s OK to get upset and cry. The important thing is to get back up. You are special in your own way. Love yourself, take care of yourself and get through one day at a time.

I want to remind you all it’s OK if the only thing you did today was breathe. It’s OK if you couldn’t accomplish what you had planned. Don’t be harsh on yourself. You are a human, and it’s normal to not be able to do everything. Trust yourself, and when you feel you can’t go on, place your hand on your chest. Felt something? That’s your purpose. Your life.

Always remember you are still alive. And as long as you are alive, there are endless opportunities in front of you. The road to healing is always open. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, the cloud of darkness always lifts up.

If anyone wants to talk to me about their depression and other illnesses, I’m always available on my Instagram. And I would absolutely love to help!

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page. 

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.